Enter, 2023
I notice that i’m feeling lighter this year. Last Jan, I didn’t feel energized by the fresh start, as I was letting go of a passion project that I started (OpenJio).
For awhile I couldn’t share this story because it was just too painful. Avoiding the grief was painful. Feeling the grief felt even more painful, it was just this sadness, depressing feeling that loomed around me and I can’t seem to feel excited about things. I felt lonely, guilty and there was lots of self-blame and self-doubt. And reading those ‘i’m-so-grateful’, ‘2022-had-been-a-blast’ kind of posts just made me feel more horrible. (Good for you!) I’m not sure how many of you feel that way, but I know I’m not the only one. Anyway, writing this piece is a form of closure for myself too, as I don’t think I’ve ever shared this publicly.
Covid brought about many challenges for social enterprises and startups. I witness the closing of these chapters that some of my friends had, and had the privilege to hear some of their stories which helped me heal too. Back then I was thinking, should I close Openjio? Because I just felt so burnout, I didn’t have any energy to sustain it. My team made me realise OJ wasn’t just ‘mine’ in a sense, I can’t decide to close it just because I wanted to, because others were invested in it too.
When Amos and Hilda decided to continue with OJ. it was really emotional for me. There was a sense of relief as there is renewal and it is not the end. But also an inexplicable sadness as this marks the transition for my departure. I felt so sad, i didn’t know why. My body just felt like it was losing something personally important and meaningful to me. It really felt like i was saying goodbye to a part of me and i cried alot. I didn’t know that was grief.
It wasn’t because of the loss of a title, but it felt like I was losing a part of me, a safe space for me to be, a sense of belonging, friendships, freedom for me to experiment…OJ has given me many opportunities to grow.
The media often glamourises the startup life, but i don’t much cover the stories of founders who left and closed their startups. It’s not easy for people to open up and share, and I understand that because, for quite some time, I felt that it was shameful. It seemed like the next step for me would be to incorporate into a social enterprise or non-profit, but none interest me, to be honest. Our team wrestled with the idea but didn’t reach a consensus. I also felt like I should bear the responsibility for things that have gone ‘wrong’, but I took it upon myself and blamed myself if things didn’t go well. I kept asking myself, what could I have done better? It was only through friends and a few counselling sessions I went for, that reframed my perspective - I did what I could do then within my best knowledge. When things felt too heavy to hold on, perhaps it’s time to let go and there’s nothing wrong with that. A dear friend described it as a ‘season’ of life, and similarly, organisations also go through seasons - and at different seasons, it calls for different people who can lead it to fulfill its potential. My friends often tell me that it’s still a success, the channel is still running afterall — and I am so grateful to my team who sustains it, but more so the spirit of continuing to act what they believe in.
When i was journalling about my past year, I recalled a conversation with a friend that deeply moved me 2 years back. This was over a call, i still remember i was working from home, and it was during my lunch break. Towards the end of our conversation, she asked me, what do you think makes openjio successful? I said it was because people saw that it had value, they believed in the causes; then she asked me, why do you think people joined openjio? what do you think made xxx initiative successful? To which i answered it was because they believed in the causes, and then i couldn’t think of anything else and just kept quiet…waiting for her to answer.
“It’s because of you, the leader who leads it.” I don’t know why but I just kept crying over the phone, but i wasn’t sure if she knew. She noticed.
It’s so strange, right? I don’t know why I don’t see it. I still tend to downplay my value and hold myself back, till today. (this is something I hope to change in 2023 though :) )
I started OJ because I saw a gap I thought i could easily fill - since i was searching for related events anyway, why not share it - it grew into an initiative, a group, and we ran events, started podcasts and a convo card game - and subconsciously I wanted to grow bigger then.
My definition of success and impact had changed since. I also didn’t notice but I was chasing success in some right, and if I’m honest it was to feed my ego, and perhaps it wasn’t for the causes anymore - so the universe had unleashed it’s whip for me to let go and learn this hard lesson. It’s actually a mirror of society, how we feel we need to chase our grades, promotions, status, prestige, in order to feel like we are successful and we have value.
Subconsciously perhaps, i didn’t see my own value. So i had to keep trying to find it. It takes a while, but I hope through my sharing, you will also notice that you already have it in you. (So Amelia, please stop running around and distracting yourself by chasing these worldly, material definitions of success! I am grateful for the kind souls and dear friends who helped me to catch a glimpse of what my value looked like.)
You would be familiar with this Aesop fable:
Many hundreds of years ago, Aesop wrote a fable, The Hare And The Tortoise. In this story, an arrogant hare challenges a tortoise to a race. An interesting series of distracting events gets in the way of the hare’s goal of beating the tortoise. In fact, the hare becomes so tired from all the distractions, he falls asleep. Meanwhile, the tortoise, with his goal clearly in mind, perseveres and ultimately wins the race.
The message is as true today as it was hundreds of years ago: Clear intent with a minimum of distractions gets us where we want to be, doing what we want to do, being who we’re meant to be.
The hare and the tortoise can actually be seen as two parts of ourselves. Both represent aspects of our inner self; the push-pull experience of having one foot on the gas petal, the other foot on the brakes. There’s a lot of activity, the motor is going full bore, energy is being used up, and we’re going nowhere fast.
The Hare represents deep inner drives that push and pull at us. These drives anifest as distractions, delays, doubts and deficit spending of energy. The tortoise is the part of us that uses clear intention, focus, surrender and trust to get to the finish line. Here, the output of energy is qualitatively different; the tortoise earns interest on its energy investments.
But most of us don’t slow down until we break down. This way of living limits a lot of our choices. When we learn to go slower, we no longer have to waste time doing many of life’s learning cycles over again. There’s a wonderful axiom that says, “If you can’t find time to do it right the first time, when will you ever find the time to do it over again?”
Slowing down and getting clear will go a long way toward getting what you want, being who you want to be, and creating a more ideal relationship.
We are already a success, wherever we are. It’s not something to chase after, it’s just by being who we are. It’s about standing by our ideals and making those choices, small or big, that creates an impact in its own way.
I am also hoping to create more spaces to slow down to write more regularly, as when I write, I find out what I have to say. (Austin Kleon)