[Reflections] Life Reimagined: The Science, Art, and opportunity of Midlife
Do you wonder how life would be like when you turn thirty, forty or fifty?
Someone older once told me that twenties seemed like a difficult time, because that’s where she was always striving and unsure about herself. In her thirties and forties, there is growth in the sense of acceptance of ourselves and our limitations, being more at peace. The life experiences she’s been through also helps her know herself better, to do work that she enjoys. With a supportive network of people she created, she is also more adept at overcoming life’s challenges. Having children was also deeply impactful for her.
It makes me wonder how my thirties/forties will be like. And that growing older isn’t something to be fearful about. It makes me anticipate, how I would have grown, who I would become.. :)
Anyway, I happen to chance upon this book at Clementi library and i was like hey, someone wrote a #lifehack for midlife! Why not check it out?
As a child, I think I tend to keep most things to myself. I realised it’s because I tend to feel emotions quite intensely, and i didn’t like that so I have somehow developed a way to distance myself from it, so I feel safe. I also didn’t really like to bother people with my problems, so I tend to bottle things in. I think it was only in my mid twenties that I began to express myself more. What helped was finding friends and people I could trust, and are able to hold this non-judgemental space for me.
Self-expression is something i’m working on, because I think being able to express myself in the way I intend it to others, helps me to connect more deeply with myself, people and the world around me. It is deeply satisfying. To me, it’s also an antidote for loneliness. Writing her is one way, and also, music!
Barbara, the author, writes that emotional engagement with life is key. When we know what lights us up, what drains us, we can choose where to invest our energy intentionally, and it leads to purposeful engagement. She also challenges us to aim for meaning, and purpose, and to keep learning and growing.
Unpacking Purpose - The little things matter.
People often say they that living a purposeful life is important, and I’d like to think that I am. This topic on Purpose is one that fascinates me, and I was curious to know how Barbara sees it. She found that the sense of purpose changes behaviour - where people are more likely to take care of their health, going for check ups, hence lowering the risk of multiple chronic conditions. (p.137) She also cites multiple studies of how exercise helps to build a sharper brain as you grow older (p.205). (Tada, motivation for you to exercise!) Through various stories, she shares how purpose can be found in many little things - just doing things for our own enrichment/satisfaction; it could be a hobby that stretches your brain and gives you something to look forward to to each day or week.
I deeply resonate with these findings. I really look forward to my singing/guitar classes each week, and also my Krav Maga classes - all which are new to me, and stretching me in different ways. These were activities i found intrinsically enjoyable and what helped me overcome some of my post-breakup loneliness and blues, to build myself back up again. I’m proud to say I’m at my fittest yet! Honestly, never been so fit in my life!!
On Resilience - Build good social networks.
Resilience is the ability to regulate one’s response to fear. (p.238) There are a few schools of thought, some who believe that resilience is an innate trait based on how the parts of your brain connect to each other, and there’s another school of thought that argues that the opposite is true: Many people think that resilience is internal, but the reverse is true - The really highly resilient people tend to have very good social networks. They seem to instinctively know that their bodies demand friends…because I know there’s a net to catch me, I will be an active coper. (From Steve Southwick at Yale Medical School, p.240) I tend to agree with the latter, as it resonates more with my personal experiences. I feel that in the company of people i trust, i feel more supported and much more able to handle stress and challenges that come my way.
It leads me to think that to build resilience, I need to focus on strengthening my relationships with others. In a recent reflection I had in a group coaching session, this was an area I wanted to work on too. I want to have deep, honest relationships with people around me - not just the ‘feel good’ kind, but also those whom I can trust to call me out when i’m off, give me real feedback. And I think it starts from me embodying that. To me, authentic relationships/friendships like these are the most precious things.
I’m not sure which school of thought is the truth, but I guess people tend to believe what they want to believe, haha. I’d like to believe i’m not limited by the biological make up of my brain, that i can generate resilience through reaching out and connecting to others.
Uncovering your ‘Essence’ - Make time for reflection, for reinvention.
What is your Sosein? (your essence, in german), and how will that guide you? A fifty year old may lack the energy of a twenty-five year old, but she makes up for it in self-knowledge. (p. 353)
“There’s a difference between twenty years of experience and one year of experience twenty times…people do the same thing and they don’t grow. They don’t face new challenges.” (Stevenson, Harvard Business School, p.324)
“There are two myths that assault people in their mid-career: resigning ourselves to our growing limitations, and boundless change, which requires ground-up radical transformation.” Carlo Strenger, a Swiss Israeli psychologist, says the best course is navigating between the two. (Polarities!!) And how he does, it to ask his clients, “Let’s look at the empirical evidence for what kind of assets and abilities you have built over the last forty, fifty, sixty years, and let’s see how it can be reconfigured in a way that would be more appropriate to your needs today.” (p.326-327) To become the author of our own lives, we need to accept that we have not chosen the base materials of who we are. We can only choose to shape them with a clear view of our strengths and weaknesses. (p.327)
To me, the above sounds a lot like coaching! I believe that processing our experiences by ourselves is useful, but there’s always something magical when we share it with others. It not only helps to form connection, it could become a source of support. And a trusted coach would be able to reflect observations that were not known to us before :)
This seems like a good point to pause, and take stock of significant experiences that have shaped who we are. I think one way is to also ask for feedback from trusted friends and colleagues, which I want to do more of! Sometimes i feel that people know me better than I know myself. I personally think these are good habits to cultivate, for us to gain self-knowledge as we grow :)
Below are some quotes - Barbara’s suggestions for Midlife, just for future reference :)
On Aging Well
If you feel the midlife blues, remember that everyone else does, and your most joyous years are ahead of you.
Aim for meaning and not happiness, and you will find both.
Ask yourself regularly: How will I use these glorious days for the best purpose?
The middle-aged brain is a thing of wonder. It can learn any new trick - if you challenge it.
On Living Exuberantly
At every stage of life, you should be a rookie at something.
Midlife can be like Kansas, long and flat. Creating a goal will energise your days.
On the Power of thought
It’s harder to hurt when you’re laughing.
Watch your thoughts. Your thinking shapes your experience.
On Doing Good Work
If possible, go for Plan A. And it’s possible more often than not.
Pivoting on your strengths beats starting from scratch.
Redefine success according to your values, not those of the rest of the world.
On Choosing what matters most
Pay attention: The biggest threat to seasoned marriages is mutual neglect.
Do you value that relationship? Then cut him some slack.
As George Vaillant noted, happiness is love. full stop.
Thanks for reading till here! I’d love to hear your thoughts! Do drop me a message or comment below, and I’ll respond to you :)