Reflections on Gestalt Coaching
Hi readers and friends, I went for a 2-day Gestalt Coaching Programme (by John Leary Joyce) in June. Wanted to document my key learnings here and share with you! :)
AoEC Foundation Gestalt Coaching Skills programme on 30 June and 1st July 2023 in Singapore
Tango & Gestalt Coaching on 2 July 2023
Note: I think this blogpost would be most useful for those who have some experience with Gestalt and Coaching as I’m not going into the details. I have signposted the sections applicable for individuals and coaches, hope that makes it easier for new readers. It might help to read the sections that apply to individuals first (‘Here’s how I make sense of it’), then the coach (‘Implications in coaching’), but I’ll leave that up to you! Feel free to drop your questions and thoughts in the comments below.
What is Gestalt?
For starters, Gestalt means ‘whole’ or ‘complete’ in german; where the whole is more than the sum of its parts. When two individuals come together, there is also the relationship that forms between them. Hence we can’t look at it in two parts, but also the connections between the parts.
Fundamental understandings of Gestalt include:
Building awareness of what feels ‘stuck’, allowing flow to be more in touch with the self.
Underpinning this is the paradoxical theory of change where it doesn’t require you to change who you are - but be who you are, and accept the present moment, the present you.
In Gestalt, the self is constantly shifting as with time and context. The self is seen as a function of the relationship, i.e. when share a part of ourselves and how we really feel, something in a relationship shifts.
Rather than asking, is this our best self? The Gestalt approach asks, is this the most useful way of engagement? Are we hiding? What’s in the way? Hence in Gestalt Coaching, the quality of connection is a key focus. It is a relational approach where we bring our whole self into the relationship, as an instrument of change.
#1. “Sit with it!” What does it mean to sit?
In the past, I’ve had friends who were coaches/social workers telling me to sit with my emotions. The discomfort. The boredom. Honestly had no idea what that even means. I just feel my frustration growing as I sit, and I’m like, how is this even helping !?!?
At times of confusion or uncertainty, the tendency to rush ahead means we don’t stay long enough in the empty ‘not- knowing’ space. As Gestalt practitioners, we hold the belief that the so- called empty space is actually fertile Ground, rich with unknown possibilities– a fertile void.
p.31. The Fertile Void
At first, sitting with boredom can feel frustrating. When I was running multiple roadshows in my previous job, I felt so bored because I was going through the same powerpoint deck for over 30 times! Boredom is an uncomfortable state of wanting to engage in satisfying activity, but being unable to do it. (The Atlas of the Heart, p.40) When I sat with boredom, I realised it helps me to head towards activities that really energise me.
The biggest learning I took away was the importance of sitting with our sensations, with the goal of building awareness.
Here’s how I make sense of it:
Our thoughts come to us faster than our sensations. Hence, we tend to rely more on our thinking, than connecting to what we feel in our emotions and sensations to make sense of what’s going on. So we lose out on 2 other major intelligences areas we can tap on!
In addition, our thoughts/narratives shape our emotions – so we are usually carried away by that. So it’s important to pause and examine if these thoughts and narratives are true. And also the expectations we have – if they are valid!
The Gestalt approach is concerned with the whole person, encouraging balance between body, feeling, intellect and imagination. (Caveat: Some of us are more gifted in certain areas of intelligence e.g. intellect, and everyone is built differently. So it doesn’t mean that if you’re not balanced, there’s something wrong with you. I’m saying that the Gestalt approach looks at these areas as a ‘whole’.)
One way to connect to yourself is to block 10-20 minutes in the morning to sit by yourself, and notice the thoughts, emotions and sensations that pass through you. I have been doing this practice for 2 months, and there are many moments of discomfort. I have found it most helpful when I journal what I’m sensing – it helps me to be more aware of what I am feeling, and has really supported me in making decisions, and attending to what’s most important to me.
Our mind often moves as a faster pace than our emotions and sensations. Hence, when our mind is quiet, we begin to notice more of our emotions and sensations.
It is linked to the Buddhist notion of emptiness or nothingness from which springs a new awakening and creative energy.
p.ix, The Fertile Void
When we are sitting, it feels like we are doing nothing, but this ‘void’ allows for me to sense into areas in my life where I may feel unhappy about, or what makes me feel joyful, energized – because it’s a void/safe space I’ve created for myself, I can allow whatever energy to pass through me. Versus, 90% of the day where I’m either working or doing something, with back-to-back engagements – this is where I’m reacting to things in the moment and may not have time to fully attend to myself. So the 20 mins in the morning is very precious to me.
Implications in coaching:
We talked about the importance of sitting with our sensations. This practice forms a useful foundation as a coach where you can reflect what you are sensing within yourself and your coachee, with the goal of building awareness.
Share your observations, but hold them lightly.
As a coach, the physical sensations, emotions and thoughts we have could be reflected to the coachee. When we describe what we are noticing about ourselves, e.g. “I feel tension in my neck as you speak”, “I feel a sense of guilt as you spoke about..” – it gives an opportunity for the coachee to also clarify. And as they clarify, I find myself better able to connect to their experience.
Another central tenet to Gestalt Coaching is Experiment. Each session is an experiment. So if what we say doesn’t land, it’s fine, as I said - it gives an opportunity for the coachee to clarify! Sometimes I find myself thinking too much about what I want to say and then I’m not present anymore. The quality of coaching relies a lot of the coach being present, so that’s a boo boo!
As a coach, we can share our observations, but hold them lightly, provide a choice to the coachee to agree, disagree or to counterpropose their view – it should not be imposed on the coachee.
The Gestalt view would be that the block to the coachee’s progress needs to be experienced fully and resolved. (p/12, the Fertile Void)
In the course of the programme, we were taught to encourage coachee to notice what they are experiencing within, as they work through the dilemmas. What happens often is that people often ‘short circuit’ their own experience and not feel the sensations to its fullest – in Gestalt terms, the cycle of experience is incomplete.
What Gestalt Coaching does is to encourage the coachee to embody the experience of choosing one option over the other, and through that, they will gain a new awareness in working through the dilemmas.
Another example is the empty chair technique, which is often used when the coachee has a strained relationship or tension with another that they would like to resolve. In the process, the coach will get the coachee to notice his/her sensations and emotions at each stage of the process, from talking to the other, to embodying the other, and back to themselves.
#2. Becoming more of who I am
Most coaching programmes would often ask “What would you do differently?”. The focus is on changing the behaviour and putting in effort to achieve a different result. While valid, the Gestalt approach suggests there’s nothing that you would need to do differently:
With Gestalt, the focus is on becoming more of who you are – exploring, uncovering and understanding what is really going on, from the inside out. By directing our energy into fully experiencing and accepting what is going on in the present, change happens without trying and our behaviour adjusts naturally, without effort. p.7, The Fertile Void
The emphasis is on accepting who you are and growing your capability from that position. p.15, The Fertile Void
Here’s how I make sense of it:
It is about awareness. When we are more aware of our emotions, e.g. I am feeling frustrated about something, the Gestalt approach encourages us to sit with it and clarify what is beneath the frustration.
To be honest, I am only recently learning how to express my anger and frustration in a healthy way. Because my experience of anger is destructive, and I dislike the destructiveness, I tend to repress my anger. The good thing is, no one gets hurt, but I didn’t realise it chips away my sense of self – and it tends to create enmeshment with others where boundaries are not really enforced.
Recently I am ‘experimenting’ with channelling my anger and I have to admit I was pretty clumsy. To my friends on the receiving end who are reading this, perhaps you may get a clearer picture now! What I learnt was to be specific in my requests and to clarify expectations with the other. Sharing how I feel about another’s actions also helps me to restore my boundaries as I speak my truth. It is vulnerable, but I think by putting myself out there, basing on the feedback I get, I could also assess whether the other is trustworthy too and calibrate accordingly. I believe in building a relationship where both parties are open, and seek to understand each other’s needs – and that first requires me to be honest and upfront enough to share them.
In this way, I get to restore my boundaries and honor my sense of self. And I do feel more empowered, and anger isn’t so scary anymore. I see this as how I become more of who I am.
Implications in coaching:
Everything you notice and feel about the coachee needs to be acknowledged without judgement, then highlighted and explored. This approach– where you assume that everything about the coachee is there to be seen and experienced, and everything has rightful importance…
P.9, The Fertile Void
In the most difficult periods of my life, I just want to be held and seen. I’m not just saying this in a coaching context – I believe it is a fundamental human need. I am lucky to have a few friends and trusted coach who held the space of non-judgement, in moments when I judged myself the most. And now that I am training to become a coach, it’s a way of passing on this gift of space and acceptance, learning how to hold it for others.
I guess if you’re born in a typically Asian family, you would know that Asian parents (speaking for myself) aren’t the best in expressing love. Love could look like “Why are you back so late?” “What’s taking you so long?” – sometimes, it felt like I was always being questioned, so I would get reactive very easily. I think that’s why people get hurt, and the hurt grows. So I think being a coach, having a mastery of language – in the sense of being able to describe what we see and not judge – creates this sacred space where coachee can feel safe to share. To me it’s also creating an experience of how one could being to wrestle with these difficult emotions and learning to be with it in a way that doesn’t cause more pain.
#3. Quality of connection is key
I recall my first coaching session many years ago, where I signed up to be a coachee under a coach who was clocking pro-bono hours for practice. He was asking me many questions – it felt that he knew so much about me, but I knew nothing about the coach. It somehow didn’t sit right for me, felt disconnecting and distant. Was this how coaching is supposed to be like? Needless to say, I stopped after the first session.
Here’s how I make sense of it:
Often, I underrate the importance of the quality of connection with people around me. It’s cliché but I feel that having a friend in a downtime, makes a whole lot of difference. There’s also something about working with a group of people whom you can joke around with, whine to, call them out, have disagreements, and knowing we have each other’s back at the end of the day. I relish these moments with people, it’s what makes work most enjoyable. None of us are perfect, and the difference is that we put in time to connect with each other. To me, that makes a world of difference.
It’s not rocket science, it requires us to be human, vulnerable and authentic, to be open and share about ourselves. It’s an energy exchange, a connection build between two people. Sometimes it’s not always an equal exchange! But that’s how life is.
Implications in coaching:
There is a greater emphasis on improving the quality of connection, so the relationship with the coach is a key area of interest.
p.19, The Fertile Void
Connection is built through dialogue, not just questions. Questions tend to get coachee into the head space, which is sometimes not so helpful. It requires the coach to be open to being changed too, to bring ourselves in to jointly research what’s going on with the coachee. The coach is not an expert – you are the expert of your life!
In demonstrating openness, transparency, vulnerability as a coach, you also give permission to your coachee to do the same.
In our practice sessions, John encourages us to mirror the actions of our coachee. For example, if they cross their legs, or swing their arms, we follow suit. This is an easy ‘hack’ for us to get a sense of what the coachee is experience, and connecting to their experience, reflecting back, and having a dialogue about it. As we get coaches to share their experience, we also share ours with the intention of building awareness for the coachee. Hence I think the quality of connection here is very crucial in allowing these exchange of information, that allows for trust to be build.
This helps to set up the space for coaches to hold what John calls, ‘safe emergency experiments’. Each wrong turn is a learning, and the outcome is learning. Our role as coaches is to create enough safety for the coachee to take risks. To creatively experiment as joint researchers, and play with challenging and supporting the coachee. Some ways of engaging creatively can involve the use of art, objects, metaphors, writing or music!
You have come to the end of my blogpost! I’m not quite sure how to tie this up, but it’s a piece i’ve been wanting to put together. At least, while it’s still fresh in my head! I am curious to hear your thoughts on this post, and any insights, or questions you have.
Am open to feedback on how I can structure my writing more clearly - so please feel free to share! :)