Reflections on 2020
2021 is here. What I’ve realised is that, things stay the same if I don’t do anything about it. What’s different about this Amelia and the Amelia before, at the start of 2020?
She has grown stronger. Braver. Bigger challenges await her. She’s proud of her achievements this year, and these haven’t come easy. Even something as small as acknowledging people around her, it’s something she has made it a point to do. For what she could achieve will not be possible without them.
At a certain point, helming OpenJio and having tight work schedules, along with family commitments, conflicts in a friendship felt like it crushed her. She held on to anger, and its toxicity was poison. It was painful.
She remembers that one of her darkest periods which made her feel like quitting, where life doesn’t seem like it has any meaning. When she felt like she wasn’t good enough to continue on. She couldn’t see her own value.
It’s a very horrible feeling but she also came to see that she wasn’t the only one. She realised that other people thought that way of themselves too. She could see so much in them, but why couldn’t they see it in themselves?
Funny how we see potential in others, but was it a choice to not see it in ourselves?
To be honest, it can be really hard to see sometimes. Perhaps the willingness to see is more important than seeing itself.
Myths of growing up
She always thought that when she grew up - what growing up would look like - was that these darkest thoughts wouldn’t get to her so much anymore. She thought that graduation and growing up would mean that she’d be more powerful, more stable, less emotional. She realized how shallow that understanding was.
The truth is, the darkness will come. As a matter of fact, as we grow older, we experience more losses and dark moments. She is starting to understand that in spite of the struggles and pain, how she chooses to respond matters the most.
She is a little afraid of what’s to come in 2021. Because she’s just taken on a new commitment to start a social business with a group of friends, and she also has a new posting at work. She wonders how she can juggle all these, her passion project, her family, and to take care of herself. Which is the most important. She knows she can’t give when her vessel is empty. That’s also why she strives to give as much as when her vessel is filled. She feels afraid, but is excited at the possibilities - she can’t even imagine! She is excited at the opportunities to connect deeply with more people, have more heart to heart conversations with friends, students, colleagues. She believes it’s something the world needs more of.
A deeper realisation she had this year, was that even though the most persuasive voice in her tells her, she can’t do this, she made bad decisions, she’s not good enough - these are not true. She wants to tell people that too. It’s only human to experience such thoughts, but our thoughts are not us and we can shape them.
She knows she’s not the only one experiencing such thoughts, for she’s met mothers, people in their forties or fifties, who she has had the privilege to be in their vulnerable presence, sharing with her their struggles as a human. “I’m not a good enough as a mother”. We all have something we are struggling to let go of.
Yet the struggle is what makes us human, for who doesn’t have any?
Staying with what’s uncomfortable. Something her brain can’t comprehend or rationalise. She has learned that relying on her instincts and gut sometimes serves her better, and she doesn’t need to justify her decisions to anyone. Sometimes the best decisions are simply the best because it feels right.
Running away ; Living
What does living mean? She is slowly starting to get a glimpse of this. Some quotes say we’re given the pain that we could carry.
She used to be and is still someone who runs away when things get heavy and scary. But she is inching towards it more. To giving that pain a voice. And she understands that sharing her truest emotions, though she may not like it, is important to people she cares for and for people who care for her. She is starting to listen to her emotions more because she now knows that her emotions are not her, but are signals to something that needs attention. A part of her is hurting. A part of her needs space. A part of her thinks some things aren’t right. A part of her wishes certain moments could be timeless.
She believes that it’s more important to connect with pain than to avoid it. The avoidance of pain would be more painful. Ironically, she knows that she will still avoid certain pains in her life because maybe she’s not ready to face them. And that’s okay.
Looking backwards to move forward
She is still learning to celebrate herself and her accomplishments. She is very happy and proud to share with you that she:
Personal development
Facilitated and conducted a series of 4 workshops with Louis, Amos, Wee Leong, Afzal on Body, Emotions, Language, to help youths/our team of volunteers develop a deeper understanding of themselves
Also facilitated a 12-week Enneagram course with Qing Ping/Wee Leong/Susan
Held several Zoom Huddles/Circle 8 sessions (unstructured small-group conversations on life topics, eg. purpose, ambiguity) in the presence of friends/acquaintances which made Circuit breaker period more fun & bearable
Designed this feedback form as a gift to myself and asked a few of my colleagues to fill in…
Notes: somehow am able to find and generate lots of energy doing these things though it stresses me
Health & Fitness
Exercised regularly for the past 3 months, thanks to accountability buddy Amos!
On the same note, held weekly yoga sessions with my colleagues, thanks to Royston/Naomi for their support & enthusiasm ^^
My skin is much better! Read about my struggles with Eczema/Topical Steroid Withdrawal here.
Notes: my colleague asked if I have an hourglass figure HAHA achievement unlocked!
Finance
Started investing, thanks to my friend/financial advisor Sherman who was really patient!
Started a financial audit kinda thing with my fam, which I dread but it’s important!
Family
Brought parents to the SEA aquarium! :) My dad loves fishes.
More conversations with dad on life
Baking with sister, Nature walk with sis!
Random
Asking a Question live at this event in presence of Senior Management HAHA which I would never have done if Royston didn’t poke/dare me
Consistently tidying up my study table. It literally reflects my state of mind.
Initiated a Christmas Celebration in my department with some colleagues/friends :)
It’s pretty fun to write this. Try it~
She knows she couldn’t have done it alone. Friends make the journey a little less heavy, a little more fun, and much more fulfilling.
When she scrolls her Instagram or Linkedin feed, she sometimes finds herself still comparing to her peers…which just sucks energy. So why not spend that energy write a list for herself instead!
Anyway, to everyone reading this - best wishes to you and happy new year! I haven’t been posting very often but would like it make it a point to do it more regularly this year haha. I paid for this domain afteralll lol. Stay tuned!