Transitions and compassion
Hello world :) really missed this space!
The past year has been a journey of transitions for me. Wasn’t easy letting go of things, i’d have to admit.
I’ve realised there is a difference between change and transition - change is the external event that happens, and transition is the psychological impact (eg. confusion, fear, sadness, inspiration, excitement) we feel amidst the change. This is from the William Bridges Transition Model - how apt that someone named bridges writes about transitions!
It’s a strange feeling, and it was the first time i felt so passionate, energised and a strong sense of belonging to myself and a bigger purpose, and also when i felt deeply lost, confused, uncertain about myself. I think i had been so busy doing many activities, i had forgotten about what I really needed, till i eventually burnt out.
I had been so hard on myself, thinking about what i could’ve/should’ve done (psst. once you catch yourself saying this, you’re in blame and shame, adding on to the pain you already have) - and this is why i added the word compassion to the title of this post. I think many of us are too hard on ourselves, and it’s so hard to detach from that part of myself - the self-doubt and fears I had. Friends often remind me the good in myself, but sometimes i still struggle to see it. My counsellor had asked me questions to get me to see those parts of me that are present as well. And also understanding that the intention of ‘self-doubt’ isn’t bad, it’s just that the outcomes don’t align with the intentions most of the time. ‘Self-doubt’ really wants to protect me from getting hurt, making mistakes, but it led me to a space of fear and questioning instead. Recognising how i am relating to this part of myself made me realise there’s alot to unlearn in terms of beliefs and patterns in how i relate to myself that don’t serve me.
I’ve recently been reading Kristin Neff’s work on compassion, as she says it comprises of 3 components - mindfulness, common humanity and self-kindness.
mindfulness - being mindful of how we feel and think, acknowledging the sensations we experience.
common humanity - understanding that we are all a work-in-progress, no one is perfect, and we are all experiencing some kind of pain
self-kindness - related to self-acceptance, the difference between this and mindfulness is acknowledging that our needs and feelings are valid, providing that unconditional acceptance to ourselves, being our own support (instead of self-whipping)
I think the healing came when i could acknowledge the intentions, efforts i’ve put in. I think sometimes the struggle in leading something - and for someone like me who tends to be conflict avoidant, people pleaser - is that I feel uncomfortable if i don’t receive affirmation and acknowledgement -> makes me feel like my work isn’t worth it, and i can go down a negative spiral. As I write, my thoughts become clearer. I know this isn’t true, but you know how it always feels so real in the moment!
The truth is, i can only do my best and be honest with myself, trust myself that i have made the decisions that would be the best for me and my team, and live with the fact that many of our intentions may not translate to outcomes we want, and that’s okay. I am reminded of this quote - you are only entitled to its action, never to its fruits by Bhagavad Gita.
Let me bring in self-compassion again. This is really important. Self-compassion comes in where self-esteem fails us. When things go well, our self-esteem and self-worth goes up, confidence gets boosted - but when things don’t go well, our self-esteem takes a hit too, and it means that our “self-worth bounces up and down like a Ping-Pong ball depending on our latest success or failure. When we notice that our need for high self-esteem is causing problems for us, it’s time to practice a new way of relating to ourselves—with self-compassion!”
There are significant health benefits that come with relating to ourselves with self-compassion, and it’s really about building the intention for self-compassion. having compassion that sometimes, we may still end up blaming ourselves it’s ok that we may not be able to practice self-compassion too!
Yesterday, i attended a session in church which talked about compassion - it was in applied in an evangelistic context, but i think it really applies to life and spirituality as well. Compassion means to suffer with, to be moved deeply by something. It resides in our heart space, where we feel the pain of others and care deeply for them, and this means understanding their triggers does not reflect their character and who they are, but the pain which this comes from their past experiences and possible trauma. So instead of reducing people to their faults, or stereotypes, we hold space for the pain, the other parts of them, and striving to see them as a whole human being. I think if we are able to hold that very delicate space for ourselves and others, true change can happen.
In our it applies to my work - when leaders are able to hold space for pain, tears, tensions, the uncertainty of not knowing, yet having faith and trust that the team will figure this out together, it is extremely powerful and endearing. I think it’s really tough because i found myself continuously being challenged to think that i need to have the vision, i need to know where we are headed all the time when in fact, i don’t know. And my team might be okay with not knowing too. But it’s just so difficult to hold that space because it’s so uncomfortable and i feel overwhelmed by fear at times. I think this is the challenge of leadership of our time.
Sometimes i forget that it is a privilege to lead as it’s one of the ultimate and greatest forms of service. I am writing here so i don’t forget that and then grumble about it. haha.