What consumes most of your emotional energy?
Ontological coach Ellery asked me prior to our coaching conversation. Emotions inform us of our needs, he said. Emotions are a linguistic expression as we connect our sensations and thought to verbalise what we feel.
Work
Though I enjoy parts of my job, there are times I feel really bored by the tasks I need to do, and i can’t see how it’s meaningful to me in anyway. At times my heart longs for a space where i can have meaningful, transformational conversations as the focus of my job.
I felt this disconnection at times when everyone is just concentrated on finishing task after task, and the tasks never really end. It also seemed like there isn’t a space for informal, “vulnerable” conversations that truly build connection. I try to strive for this, but it is difficult, partially because of the organisation culture, and also because of my own resistance and judgements. This manifests into frustration, and resignation — until I find a space where I can externalise this energy, which is usually found outside of work.
Frustration, Ellery explained, comes with a sense of “stuckness”, and 99% of the time it occurs because there are missing requests. What are some missing requests that you may have?
Understanding the root of frustration - Missing Requests
I try to start small, by sharing my real thoughts with my colleagues and creating spaces and sharing circles for more reflective conversations. That in itself, was already me making a request, just that i didn’t have this distinction in my language.
Ellery asked me if I even tried to initiate such conversations with my boss. That had never really crossed my mind, there was uncertainty and a fear of looking ‘stupid’, or i may come across as i’m complaining? Which didn’t feel ideal.
He told me that if i felt this way, there is a chance that someone else may be feeling this way too. Holding space for my boss? Wow, that really never occured to me. (This still scares me; frankly not so sure what will my boss responds if he ever sees this post. LOL)
But yes, bosses are humans too, and all humans need connection. Connections are only built when people are open about themselves.
2. Family
Family is a complicated mess i don’t even know where to start or how to unpack this. There are thoughts like, ‘I want our family to be closer’ and yet I am resistant to doing the work. The hardest part comes in being calm in the automatic reactions which get triggered so easily — anger creates anger, and soon everyone becomes agitated. The thought that “things won’t change no matter what i do” sometimes feels deeply true and unsettling. Perhaps it’s where acceptance is most needed, and ironically enough, change comes with acceptance of the way things are.
Anyway, there is a story which I have been telling my closer friends, but not the person who needs to hear it most - my dearest sister.
We were much closer when we were younger, and we used to have many late night conversations; but my sister has been struggling with health issues in recent years. (I struggled with eczema too, and topical steroid withdrawal symptoms such as Red Skin Syndrome, which I had documented here.) Long story short, we grew apart as I went to university and i spent most of my time outside home.
There are times where I initiate conversations, but when she’s at her computer she ignores me, and i feel like there’s nothing else I can do to build connection. I told myself I will do this, slowly…there are better days and worst days.
“What are the moods you feel when you look back then and now?”
I notice that I began to tear. (bodily sensation)
I felt guilt. (emotion, which i had thought i had gotten over, but apparently not)
I also felt distant, disconnected. (thoughts)
And I felt sadness. (emotion)
Guilt meant that there were unmet standards I had. And sadness meant that I was losing something important; where one can grief for the loss or if possible, rebuild the relationship together.
Desensitisation (adapted from Gestalt Theory of Resistance)
Have you tried being more forthcoming with your sister?
Ellery described me as kind of tip-toeing around the issue, that I could be desensitising myself. I didn’t quite understand. But i had a gut feel that this is my blindspot.
He explained his observation: as i shared the issue with my sister, i would say that I have tried talking to her, thought many times it didn’t work, but that at least reduces my guilt. Then I would say that I would do this slowly….
As I reflected, I think I also desensitise myself from issues at work by focusing on the smaller things that would satisfy me; but not the elephant in the room. (ie. talking about it to my boss)
Have you tried having this conversation we just had with your sister?
He’s not the first person to point this out…and i hope he is the last.
A conversation about needs would create the container for the space. My needs - missing requests, remember? To be vulnerable and put myself out there, be forthcoming - that builds connection first. So that it creates the safe space for my sister to show up and share her most vulnerable emotions as well.
So, I will be having this conversation with my sister. I’ll update how it goes!
Some further reflections:
I was not aware that I am desensitising myself - it’s something some of my friends have pointed out, but this was the most apt word to describe it so far. I am now an expert in desensitisation. muahahaha.
I also asked Ellery some questions about coaching - he shared that he usually focuses the conversation on pain (layman terms). He further provides a distinction: Pain is meaningless. Suffering is meaningful. That’s why the root word for passion is, to suffer. If there is no pain, or if the person is unwilling to go deeper into the pain, there’s nothing much to coach. The person needs to be willing to do the work, and the coach will do best to support. Hence, coaching is a really intimate experience.
So I asked, is it the job of the coach to make people feel the pain? He said that’s a pretty crude way of putting it (haha, my inner sadist) and patiently explains that the coach is one who shines a spotlight/provide some awareness of where and what the pain is about. It usually starts off with exploration, then going deeper. In an ideal coaching conversation, the coachee will be doing 90% of the talking - the work! Coaching is about being, and it provides the person to explore a different way of being, and change comes when one translate that to their lives.
How a coach behaves in a coaching session is likely how he/she behaves outside the conversation - the triggers, how to center self after being triggered, and the coach learns a lot through the session as well.
I also asked another question, on how do you ensure that you are “clean”? He was abit bewildered and asked me what I thought haha. I answered coach need coaches too, to shed light on their blindspots. He also meditates using headspace, so that it helps him to slow down and be more aware; and with awareness comes the power of choice.