42 questions for the answer to life, the universe and everything

Edit: I actually did this on 15 June 2020- and today’s my birthday, i’ve just been reading it and realised that some of what i’ve written have actually manifested in my life. This is one of my most personal blogposts which is why i hesitated to share, but i think it could be a great gift to you who is reading it too :)

“It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.” 

– Eugene Ionesco

My friend introduced me to this reflective exercise: https://www.notion.so/42-questions-for-the-answer-to-life-the-universe-and-everything-b9e4216f2a8347e6b4c53e0eb65df80d and I thought it’d be helpful in focusing on what’s most important in this 8-day leave from work.

Here I go! (cue mandopop on my spotify playlist)

PS. This will probably be my longest blogpost yet, i think i spent close to 10 hours on this.

Quick Pulse Check

1. What areas in your life are currently working well for you — what do you find fulfilling, meaningful, enjoyable, and valuable?

• OpenJio is the first thing that comes to mind. A simple idea of a telegram channel for events related to different social causes has blossomed into a wonderful community of loving people, which really warms my heart!

• Starting this blog is another - it’s a space for me to hear my own voice, for I know I kind of soft on ears. (I think I’m an enneagram type 9, haha)

• Having friends who regular check in on me, and knowing that I can be candidly honest and myself with you guys :)

2. What current areas in your life aren’t working out too well for you — what stresses you out, makes you anxious or drains your energy?

I have answered this in my blogpost previously. You can read more here.

Family - I get triggered quite easily here. Am also wanting to support my sister in her journey of recovery, but it’s really draining on me sometimes.

Work - I am still trying to align my interests, strengths and values in this area where I can bring the most value. To play the cards i’m dealt with to the best I can.

I notice certain struggles surface perhaps due to the conflict in my identity as a community builder and an administrator. Two very different models…you can say one is anti-institution (communities often have decentralised sources of power) and the other supports institutions (where there is often a central authority). With different power bases comes different ways of working.

3. After you die, how would you like to be remembered by others?

Amelia is a giving, joyful, kind and strong woman.

4. If you were to die today, would other people remember you in the way you want to be remembered?

No... perhaps giving/kind, yes?

I interpret strong as being “strong-willed, persevering, resilient and true to self.” These are all very active terms, and I find myself often struggling to be true to myself, and other people’s needs and wishes.

5. What skills, talents or abilities do you have that you are naturally good at, and are passionate about using?

I think I am good at connecting with people and connecting people. You know how magic sparks when you connect (with) likeminded people? Never know what amazing things they can create for this world.

I usually listen the perspectives of the team before making a decision, and strive to co-create solutions. I thrive in an environment where I can get to meet new people and have meaningful conversations with them, to develop them to reach a higher potential.

I think I’m also good at bringing people together, and starting new projects together with people, related to personal growth and having purposeful conversations.

6. What skills, talents or abilities do you have that you are NOT excited about using? You can be good at something you absolutely hate.

I’m really good at taking meeting minutes. But i don’t quite enjoy it if I had to do it consistently.

Same with design. I think I am pretty decent haha, but I don’t like to do designing all the time.

7. What good causes, subjects, projects or charities do you firmly believe in (or connect with)?

• Causes: Income Inequality and Youth development

• Subjects: People Development, Organisational Development, Spirituality, Use of Self

• Projects/Organisations/Charities: OpenJio, Beyond Social Services, Pivotal Youth, The Thought Collective, The Grameen Bank, The Presencing Institute

8. What tasks, jobs or specific activities have you done in the past that you dislike and never want to do again?

• Usually the most horrible experience was not about the task, but the feeling of loneliness when working on tasks alone; or feeling of meaninglessness of the task itself

• One of my toughest projects was to rebuild a wordpress site with Elementor (largely alone) a few years back. I was new and clueless, and it didn’t help when the organisation direction wasn’t clear…it did made me learn how to reach out to ask for help, where I got to meet a few people in web development. But i didn’t finish the project, priorities shifted haha.

9. In an average week, how many hours do you spend doing tasks, jobs or activities that you dislike, or that waste your time? A personal metric: how much of the day is spent doing things out of obligation rather than out of interest?

Activities that waste my time: sleeping late because i am mindlessly scrolling through Instagram or Facebook, not saying ‘no’ to certain requests

Activities I dislike: taking minutes, keeping track of progress over a long term… but it’s part of my work and i am accepting it. (Edit: I’ve slowly learnt the importance of celebrating progress! It is crucial to keep things going, to support commitment. We can’t play the long game if we’re all burnt out in the process.)

10. How does living a less-than-passionate life affect you mentally, emotionally & relationally? The people who succeed are irrationally passionate about something.

It would be mentally dull, boring, emotionally draining, and relationally disconnecting.

Which is why I am so thankful for my friends and OpenJio where we have full autonomy over the direction and execution of our projects! And how we embrace each other’s ideas, support, share resources and challenge one another so we all grow and thrive together.

Values

11. What are your most important values? What values give your life the greatest meaning? E.g. honesty, progress, faith, generosity, authenticity, connection, peace, security, friendship, peace of mind, servitude, personal growth, dedication to a social cause.

Learning about myself and the world is important for me to feel connected to a cause bigger than myself. I do this through building or joining communities who support me, and who I can support me in my growth journey. For communities to thrive, operating from abundance is key. What’s life without fun and new experiences that broaden our horizons?

12. How does the way you live your life reflect your most important values? How do you reflect these values throughout your work life, career, educational pursuits and personal life?

Learning is especially important to me - I chose to do an internship in a social startup after graduation because that’s where I can get my hands dirty and meet many passionate, inspiring people who chose to take the risk of starting their own company - people who took action for what they stood for.

Support is key in helping people thrive. How often do we ask, “what support do you need?” before giving help or advice? This simple question empowers people to think for themselves, and communicate their needs so that people know how to best support them. One of the questions I like to ask to close off reflective sessions that I host.

I am part of different communities in the social and people/organisation development space because it really energises me. In openjio, that’s how we give back by sharing these events and resources, organising community huddles, coordinating requests and offers so we can best tap on to assets of the community.

Being fun is about being in the moment. Sometimes i just laugh off the mistakes I made, and remember to be kind to myself.

13. What areas in your life might your decisions contradict your most prominent core values?

Humans are walking contradictions. Life is full of paradoxes.

Such contradictions happen more in my family and work spaces, usually because of missing/unsaid requests (i have yet to make..)

14. Which of your most prominent core values are you not giving enough time or attention to?

Hmm. Fun. Hahahaha.

I think fun has got to do with being non-judgmental, or letting go of the fear of looking stupid - so you can immerse yourself fully in the moment to experience life.

Next is learning - i think i can be more structured in the way i learn. I tend to be scattered and distracted by things that pique my interest at the moment. This blog is one way for me to keep me on track on my more important goals and thoughts, so that i can focus and deepen my interests and expertise in people and organisational development.

15. What lies do you tell other people about what’s important to you and what you are passionate about? (in what ways do your actions not align up with your words?) Before you can lie to another, you must first lie to yourself.

Wa, this is a tough one.

People talk about fear of failure. But i think it’s the fear of success perhaps, I still have fears in my head of jumping into a training, facilitation, people and organisation development as a career. I define success as living in high congruence with your values and offering your greatest gifts and talents to the world. I say I want to jump in to that, but do i really? What’s stopping me?

I want to improve my relationship with my family, and yet I don’t actively do it as I struggle with the resistance (and i’m great at distracting myself with external projects). I tell myself it’s okay to take things slow. But sometimes, tooooo slow.

Beliefs & Disbeliefs

16. What is preventing you from fully committing to pursuing your main passions in life?

Wow, this is what I just asked myself in the previous question. What’s stopping me: 1) material needs: i need income to support myself, since my family cannot support me; 2) growth: I think that I can still find or create areas of growth in my current job which will benefit my future goals in OD; 3) beliefs: i am not experienced enough to do OD; i am not good enough

17. What beliefs do you have about your ability/inability to succeed in pursuing your main passions in life?

I do believe if i put in the hard work and focus, i will be able to succeed. Though there may be some occasional “i am not good enoughs”, but i have confidence that I will be able to find my place :)

18. What beliefs or fears have held you back from pursuing your main passions until now?

Sometimes i am unsure if that’s the destination i want to end up in, and the consequence is that i am less focused and easily distracted. Because i don’t want to fully commit in it for fear if things don’t work out.

Funnily enough, i think that’s the exact thing holding me back.

19. What evidence do you have that those fears or beliefs are accurate? Can you find evidence to prove the opposite is equally true?

“I am not good enough” is just a voice, a thought in my head. It is not true. It can just sound really loud sometimes so it makes people believe in it.

We are not our thoughts, and this is a timely question - are my thoughts controlling me or am i controlling my thoughts? “Do you have your mind, or does your mind have you?”

If I look (hard enough), I would be able to find evidence that I matter in this world. And I am good enough, I had this conversation with a pretty advanced facilitator, she noticed that I tend to attribute (openjio’s) success thus far to external circumstances, because of my team, because of people who are already interested in these issues, because of everything else other than myself.

It’s true that we can succeed because we did it together guys, (just that sometimes i forget i made it happen too hahaha lol.)

She asked me, why do you think some social movements/initiatives are more successful than others? Look at the many initiatives out there involving migrant workers — why do some stand out/gain more traction than others? She stated a few examples, like Cai Yinzhou….i stun for a moment. I was thinking of 1001 things, the mechanics.

Then she said, it’s because of the people who drive them.

Because of who they are, their being.

Then I couldn’t stop tearing ><

Obstacles, Fears & Stakes

20. How much risk and uncertainty are you willing to accept around seeking and finding your passion? When you tell yourself you "can't do something," be sure you are not confusing it with you "won't do something". There is no shame in realising and admitting you don't want something bad enough for you to go get it. At least now you can acknowledge, accept the truth and move on to something you really want.

The risks I am willing to take should fall within these boundaries:

• That I would still be able to generate sustainable income stream(s) to support myself, and ideally my sister’s medical expenses. Having no/low income right now is not an option - i experienced interning at a startup after graduation, financial stresses are real, and my family was really worried about it too.

• I am very open to working overseas and experiencing different cultures - only if my sister is doing well, and my parents are fine.

• I am willing to work very hard, to burn my spare time i have after work and during weekends on what I stand for. I’m already doing it much so with my time at openjio.

21. What comes first before finding your main passion in life? E.g. your income, job, lifestyle, home, fear of what others will think

I think sometimes it need not be a “either or” situation, as life is full of greys. But if it were black and white…

• Financial stability - i am willing to sacrifice my lifestyle, like eat/dabao from home, working around it with my friends to dine at less expensive places - this is easier with circuit breaker measures

• Health of my family should be stable too, that everyone can take care of themselves, and i would just need to occasionally check-in

22. What is the primary concern you have about fully committing to pursuing your main passion in life?

Sometimes i think i may paint idealistic expectations about what I can get out of pursuing this passion in life…anyway, primary concern is still financials. Money can’t solve all your problems, but it can at least solve 90% of it so you can focus on the 10%.

23. Would the potential benefits outweigh the importance of this primary concern you have?

Well, the goal would be to be able to do what I would do anyway and earn a sustainable source of income from it. Such as coaching, people development, facilitating.

24. What actions could you take to reduce or manage this concern?

Start small, notice how i show up, say ‘yes’ opportunities that align to my goals. Be creative about my income streams.

25. Other than yourself, who else is holding you back from pursuing your passion in life and how are they holding you back? If you don’t love yourself who will? How can you address this person/these people to either gain their support or get them out of your way?

Yea, will need to assure my family that I can take care of myself, since I see them everyday. Unless i work overseas baha. They were not very supportive of my first internship stint, and kept asking me to leave the internship job because they see no future in it. Sigh. It felt like one of the lowest moments in my life because I also struggled to support myself financially and i didn’t know where this could all be heading, except that I knew that wanted to experience working in a social startup and solving real pressing issues, where my presence would make a bigger difference.

So I can foresee all that happening again. The question i ask myself here is, ‘How can i show up differently’, ‘Who do i need to be?’ So that my parents can be assured.

26. What would you do with your life if you no longer cared about what other people think about you? The more you care about what others think, the more they own you. It's not other people's job to like you. That's YOUR job.

In my wildest dreams, I dream of helping people in low-income communities in Singapore and beyond. To grow financially, tap on their inner resources, and connect them to people/resources who can support them to thrive in their journey on earth. I would like to stay in the mountains for awhile, perhaps move amongst such communities and share the collective wisdom i have received. I will be doing yoga every morning in nature, and go around the forest and farms to collect my food. Play in the river. Hike. And use the internet to channel the right resources to the right places. Will be fun to have a few friends join every now and then. :)

(Financial literacy is so underrated! I neglect it as well. Would be good to really look deeper into this. )

In another - still pretty wild dream if i decide to stay in the city - i dream that I would be a coach/consultant that can help organisations heal, and achieve breakthroughs. (Or i will start an organisation which does that!) By working with their leaders and staffs to genuinely connect with one another, workplaces can become healing spaces for everyone! Spaces where people are free to express themselves. Where your talents and side-hustles are embraced, celebrated, and your job is tailored to your strengths and interests, people co-create structures which serve them best - in contrast to fitting people into their job descriptions and being bounded by numerous rules.

27. What would the potential worst outcome be if you decided to commit fully to pursuing your passion? Would this be OK? Go to your worst case scenario now, feel it, and soak in it as if it's really happening, play it out, and ask yourself, if that is ok?

If my family members get really sick, I won’t be able to have the peace of mind to do this :( Would need to find ways to improve the situation. If my sister is independent i’ll feel more at ease too haha.

Other than that, i may get robbed while travelling, and may get some leeches on me? living with many insects, struggle with language barriers. May feel a bit disconnecting like i don’t have a home, like I’m like a nomad. May get occasional thoughts questioning myself. Sounds quite scary ><

I guess if the dream is important enough to me, these things wouldn’t matter.

28. On a scale of 1-10 (10 being 100% certain) what is the likelihood of this worst outcome happening if you fully commit to your passion and invest all of the energy and focus that you have into it?

Well. The worst has yet to happen. And i hope it never will!

I believe if i fully commit to it and invest all the energy and focus i have, dreams can become a reality.

29. How rewarding would your life be if you were doing something that you loved every day and were making money with it? Happiness is a state where nothing is missing.

That would be amazing!! Yes, it does feel like my life will be complete.

But here i also want to remind myself that it’s not just about doing, but being too - being kind, loving to self, choosing joy.

The problem happens when we have multiple desires. When we have fuzzy desires. When we want to do ten different things and we are not clear about which is the one we care about.

Possibilities

30. What hobbies/ interests do you have that intrigue you and that you might consider pursuing as a life passion? What unique talents or skills do you have that you haven’t fully developed or expressed? What childhood interests or dreams did you have that you never got around to doing anything about?

• Singing, dancing - it’s something i do less after starting openjio; it brings me reinvigorating energy in a very different way; i was in choir in secondary school and it really allows me to express myself in a manner that feels freeing (don’ think i would ever stop singing, but it’s something i realised i have put aside for the time being)

• Drawing - i drew comic books when i was younger, like caption underpants!

• Photography - i feel happy when i’m able to capture precious moments and shots that capture people’s attention haha

I just noticed that these all fall under the more artistic/creative domain of things…looks like i have been suppressing this side of me :/ Is this what adulting is? That’s so sad. I want to do more of these artsy stuff, it’s like it’s what makes us human, you know.

31. Are you willing to spend time mastering these interests so you can become an expert, or to teach others?

Yes! I think it’s a huge joy and blessing to be able to share your passions with others! As the saying goes, joy multiplies when shared.

32. What changes do you need to make (or what risks do you need to take) to develop and express your unique talents and skills?

I guess it’s time to take up dance classes again! and give myself this artistic space to express myself. I think movement is also an important way in which we feel and notice ourselves. Being glued to your laptop at work - how is that different from a robot right?

Somatics/body movement is definitely something i want to venture deeper into. Like inner dance, and if i were to stretch myself - even theatre? *notices inner resistance*

(Edit: A change i’ve made recently - exercising almost daily! I do minimally 5 mins morning stretches. On days that i work from home, I aim to do 30mins of workouts or stretching. Have been doing Lilly Sabri’s 30 day challenge with a friend!)

33. Is there a group of people somewhere in the world that you know could benefit from your help? Who are they and where are they? Hint: These are the very people you can serve.

The first group would be people I am already interacting with - my friends and family. It would be great if i can incorporate art to create immersive, engaging experiences to bring likeminded people together; to able to connect with the pain and emotions that others face - so perhaps we can reduce the collective suffering we all have.

34. What valuable lessons have you learned throughout life so far that other people might benefit from also learning? Also, could you start teaching other people those lessons today?

• You can start wherever you are. It’s never too late. It will be too late however, if you keep pushing it back.

• Understanding self, mindfulness, spirituality has been a transformational journey for me

• Haven’t really thought about teaching these topics - but i guess this blog is one way for me to share and consolidate my knowledge and experiences, which I may use as teaching material one day, if i do teach. It all adds up right haha

Money & Resources

35. If you were financially secure and money is not an issue, how would you invest your time? If you have all the money you ever need (your brain may resist this fantasy scenario right now, but ignore that brain fart, and let your imagination go to the space where you have financial abundance), what would you be happy to do for the rest of your life?

• Travel to experience different cultures, the world and beyond! Every 2-3 months or so. And i will blog/create vlog to share my experiences!

• Probably work for a social impact consultancy on fostering Public-People-Private partnerships; or a leadership/OD consultancy

• Pay for a skilled and experienced financial consultant to help me generate more income, and to become more financial literate so i can help others with this knowledge too

• Go for at least 2-3 few courses a year to upgrade my skills in coaching/facilitation (newfield!)

• I’d probably spend more time volunteering haha, working on how to develop openjio and translate my learnings from work, travel and people i’ve met to work on reducing suffering in the world. Travelling also allows me to connect with the pain and joy of others,

36. Do you have enough savings to allow you to live for six months during a job transition or while you commit to pursuing your passion? It varies from person to person, but generally, it takes no less than 1-2 years to build a business from scratch, stabilise it, and start making decent money.

Not yet. I have yet to actually calculate the amount of money i need, there is some fear to really do it as much as i say i want to do it LOL

I am not sure how my passion is going to generate money at the moment, i think i would need more time (2 years) to build depth and expertise in the interests i have mentioned…

37. How could you save enough money to allow you to live for six months during a job transition or while you commit to your passion? Rather than working harder for more money, is there a way you can get money working harder for you?

Invest or buy some savings policy?? (Need support for this)

(Edit: This is happening. I made my first investment! My financial advisor has successfully convinced me of the benefits of starting early.)

38. Are there cutbacks you can make while you commit to pursuing your passion and purpose? Separate non-negotiable expenses from discretionary "good-to-have" expenses. People who live far below their means enjoy a freedom that people busy upgrading their lifestyles can’t fathom.

• Cutting back on spending on food, which is my biggest spending

• Cutting back on entertainment expenses, think creatively how might we connect and build friendships without spending much money?

• Cutting back on time spent on social media - be more conscious of this

• Learning how to say “no’’!!

Imagine

39. How much more would other people benefit from your life if you committed the rest of your life towards just being who you are (and not trying to be someone that you are not)?

I think as I have grown to be more of myself, i notice that i show up as a more confident person, thinking less of what others think of me. It feels freeing, it also attracts likeminded people, where we thrive on each other’s energy. I think it enables me to build deeper relationships with people, creating impactful experiences that otherwise wouldn’t happen.

40. If you had the chance to start your life all over again from scratch, what would you do differently next time around?

• Don’t care too much about what other people say, if i’m too young or too inexperienced, or if it doesn’t suit me. Just do what my heart feels right.

• Lean in to fear/resistance, sit with it, and understand what it’s trying to tell me instead of avoiding it.

• Pick up dancing earlier, it enables this freedom of expression which is really uplifting.

• Be kinder to myself. I spent so much energy beating myself up.

• Travel more.

• Be more direct with people about issues we are facing.

• Study less, do more.

41. Imagine you could take out an advertisement on a HUGE billboard display at the centre of New York Times Square to display one message of your choice. What would your message to the world be? E.g: Dan's would be "EVERYBODY CAN BE WHOEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT TO BE."

DON’T FORGET YOUR DREAMS. YOU MATTER.

42. If you only had one year left to live, what would you spend this year doing and what difference would you want to make? What's stopping you from doing these things now?

• Travel with friends/family,

• more HTHTs - having real deep conversations

• tell people around me how much I really appreciate them

• sing,

• dance,

• write,

Maybe we should strive to think this way huh, else we end up living a life we don’t want to live.

What’s stopping me:

• my ego

• my fears

Thank you for reading till the bottom of this blogpost - would love to hear your thoughts too! You can reach out to me here :)

Building Cultures of Resilience Workshop by Tong Yee (part 1)

This morning, I attended a workshop by Tong Yee on Building Cultures of Resilience. You may find my set of notes here - credits to Tong Yee and The Thought Collective (offering a list of online trainings right now, do check it out!). It’s about 12 pages long, but I am putting this out there so you can also gain a greater appreciation in context of what i’m about to share in my learnings and reflections below.

I thought the workshop gave me a deeper understanding of how to unpack resilience, and the reflection breaks were really helpful to process the learning!

Resilience is not about ‘overcoming’ pain, but enduring and staying with the pain.

It is impossible to avoid pain eternally.

There are 3 main components of Resilience:

1.     PAIN & ADVERSITY – it could be a certain tragedy, unexpected bad stuff that happen to you, such as divorce, retrenchment.

2.     RESOURCE – where pain is unexpected, we may not have time to build the resources (eg. Counselling, therapy)           

3.     GOAL – in situation where goal is unexpected - to address the certain tragedy that has happened (eg. finding a new job when one has lost their job, prioritising health when diagnosed with minor/major health issues) - people may resist and not want to own this goal because they do not acknowledge their own pain.

The role of pain is get your attention - take care of yourself!'

The moment we learn to take care of ourselves, gather resources and own the goal, pain disappears.

Pain is a gift: Without pain, we will die.

With pain, we (feel like we) want to die.

There are low grinding pains, like the body aches we feel when we sit too long - I am really sensitive to this, I can feel the difference in my body when I stop doing yoga for 2-3 days, it really feels much more tense and stiff. The goal is then to take care of myself, practicing my yoga (resource) to address the ache (pain).

However, it is very easy to ignore low grinding pains too. Such as my parents’ nagging - it is easy to deflect it by working on something else, that distracts myself from this pain.

Deflection is a common way to not tackle the fundamental pain. Creating other goals to distract ourselves from the main goal. (Gestalt)

This part really resonates with my personal experience in running OpenJio. When starting a new project, a new goal - there is a lot of energy in getting resources.

OpenJio has alot more resources than when we first started 2 years ago. We have grown in network and knowledge - to 3.9k subscribers, but I honestly have no idea how to really get in touch with their needs at a broader level.

Though we do see increased engagements (instagram, telegram, in the events/huddles we organise) across most of our platforms, which is encouraging - this tells us people do see value - but what that value is exactly, i would only know if i ask them.

How can I effectively diagnose community needs?

How can we offer a stronger diagnosis of what is happening so that we can share it and raise awareness, draw attention to where resources can be directed to?

Until we start getting a sense of diversity – can we appreciate the pains people face.

Another example: How PAP is losing touch with the ground’s emerging needs, especially in SengKang being won over by The Worker’s Party. My breakout room groupmate shared that the primary reason why her friends who stayed in SengKang voted for the Workers’ party, was that they felt that TWP could voice their needs and stand for them.

How then could we practice empathy and connect with each other’s pain?

Perception makes it far more complex than it is.

Case study

A pain adverse society: we don’t like to deal with pain

Government: “We have a lot of reserves, you'll be fine!”

People: “What are we saving so much for?? Why is government storing so much?”

Parents: “ study hard ah…if not you won’t be able to get a good job.”

Singapore leans more towards resource than the goal – we don’t get the purpose of the reserves; we’re told that studying hard is for the purpose of getting a good job - but as the job market grows increasingly competitive, these narratives are being shakened.

Diagram refers to the missing part of helping people with Resource (missing triangle piece) that can only be fully completed with understanding their pain (triangle).

We often provide solutions that are important to ourselves, in order to build their resilience – but we spend little time in understanding that their pain is.

There is fear in leaning into (someone else’s) pain – what if I can’t help them? What if they suck me in? Hence I cannot support them in becoming resilient.

This results in a sense of purposelessness where we cannot meet our needs/pain.

-       Our sense of vision and purpose is waning: A vision that encompasses what Singapore wants – we are looking for a much stronger vision to move on at this particular point.

-       Our emotional resources are not as strong

-       How leaders help to alleviate adversity

Personal Leadership could help us as a country - people stepping up – does a lot to alleviate adversity we are going through

Listening and paying attention to your pain is a very important part of your growth process.

When is it not healthy anymore? When we are not functioning?

The whole purpose of learning is growth – the Joy of learning! :)

But when your body cannot take it, when there is too much trauma in a relationship when we are constantly in survival mode – that’s when to call it quits.

Resilience is about building a sustainable and healthy relationship between all three. They are symbiotic, each is essential and none can be avoided.

Consider any learning experience.

Does this experience feel painful for you? Do you feel like you are getting restless?

What are we doing right now that is making it easy? (strong leaders, facilitators, teachers pay attention to these)

---

Reflections:

I thought that I gained a useful framework in understanding resilience - the relationship between goal, pain and resources; the importance of sitting and enduring pain to reach our goals. We can’t ever heal if we keep avoiding the pain instead of feeling and addressing it. Pain is a key piece which I hope we can dive deeper into - such as emotional pain. It is easy to distract ourselves, and deflect pain. (The cycle of learning and resistance in Gestalt is another very useful framework to understand this.)

Sometimes I use OpenJio as a deflection of the pain that I experience with my family. Like I immerse myself in projects instead of tackling issues in my life. Parental expectations and family worries tends to make me feel heavy, and I felt like i did not know how to cope with it. So i like to head out, meet my friends and work on ‘meaningful’ goals - that’s how it looks like to people i guess. Resources on learning how to manage relationships with my family were low. Now that I’ve begin to gain more emotional resources and self-awareness, as well as giving a ton of kindness to self, it feels less hard. :) Also thanks to CB, which makes it harder for me the escape the pain haha.

At the core, i think it is about how can we begin to love ourselves better? Do we love ourselves enough to feel the pain? So that we can begin to take care of ourselves and heal. To feel pain is an intrinsic part of our own human experience. We cannot experience joy without pain. Because joy comes when we grow from our pain.

I guess, avoiding pain is also part of our human experience too. haha. Avoiding pain is a pain in itself…aka our response to pain, can be a pain in the ass. lol. Like getting triggered and angry when my parents nag, but then regret later, and then too egoistic to apologise. haha. (my shit)

For me, having reflections and walks by myself help me to understand the emotions I’m feeling. Having frameworks to understand emotions helps, see The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings Are Trying to Tell You by Karla McLaren (which you can download here); and am really thankful for my friends, coaches, and people that I have met who held space for me.

What does it mean to love ourselves? Do we dare to dream? Do we dare to feel? Do we dare to be?

Life afterall, is about learning, growing and taking risks. And learning to love the ride.

After today’s workshop, I feel more inspired to write a guide on How to love Amelia haha. My friend Khuyen had previously wrote one and i thought it was pretty cool!

Why write? Why share? Why now?

It’s about 1.5 months since I started this blog! YAY, CELEBRATE! :)

Celebrate the practice of writing, celebrate growth in this space, celebrate commitment in writing regularly!

Recently I noticed that I have been feeling emotions of overwhelm, self-doubt, and “not inspired” to write even though I committed myself to writing at least once a week. I have not been doing yoga as much this week as well.

Revisiting: Why write?

It’s about building a practice to organise my thoughts, and gain clarity about myself, who I am. Writing as a practice helps me to reflect and allow my inner voices to surface in the stillness as I put my thoughts down on paper.

In short, it is a practice of building awareness of my own thoughts so that I am more conscious of them. With awareness, comes choice to create different results.

It is time I block for myself, as a gift to myself. It creates a space of possibilities where I feel free - and this can manifest in other areas of my life if i can practice it right here.

Why share?

There is a part of me that seeks to connect with people and the bigger world out there. I believe by sharing more of myself openly on a blog, it can create the authentic human connection I am seeking for. Because connection is built upon what you know about me, whether you can relate to what I write here.

If I don’t open myself up first, i know the chances are dead zero. I think it’s worth putting myself out there for this!

So this blog is way of manifesting my intention into reality. Of course, there are other ways. But it has to start somewhere. For me, it starts here.

Since i’m already writing it for myself, might as well share it to maximise it’s utility! haha

Also, like I mentioned in my homepage - i was really inspired by Khuyen’s writings, and also his level of commitment and consistency. There is an adage that says that actions are more powerful than words. But like all quotes, they need to be understood in specific contexts, not to be dropped anywhere you like. Words are powerful as they are beginnings of the manifestation of our thoughts, which will in turn affect our actions.

Just as how reading Khuyen’s articles inspired me to start this blog, I hope that this blog will also inspire people in living life with greater intention, vulnerability and love.

Why now?

First of all, I have earned enough money to buy a website for myself. Muahaha

And I gained enough ‘skin’ to name my blog with my own name.

Jokes aside, I really want to build enriching practices in my life and live a life I want to live. I am afraid that work, or sometimes my external projects may consume me if i don’t create spaces for reflection and detachment, spaces to ponder in such a fast-paced city I live in.

There is an analogy Tong Yee shared about how Singaporeans tend to think in terms of train tracks - mirroring how our education system is structured - when something doesn’t work, we want to change to another ‘track’, a path that is already built, tried and tested, and seems ‘secure’ enough for us.

Right now in times of covid and multiple changes and transitions, many feel uncomfortable with uncertainty. In order to build train tracks, we need to first forage the forest to explore ways of working. Foraging is uncertain, we never know what we will discover. We need to learn to how to hope, hold on to our faith - or the commitment on we want to create. We must persevere on in order to create the change (or ‘track’) we want to see.

This blog is a space where I seek to create within myself to hold space for the uncomfortable emotions and thoughts I have with myself in my life journey. I feel that this is what growth looks like to me, and I think it’s especially important now. It’s like building a foundation for myself, to stay grounded and open.

So…why did I not write?

When I started this blog, I remembered myself feeling so energised and excited for people to see this!

But there are also moments where I create excuses as I judge myself - “if i’m not feeling inspired, i doubt anyone will feel inspired when they read my blogpost” - these thoughts seem so true. But who really knows if i don’t even write them out?

“The moment you say ‘not possible’, you are also saying ‘i don’t want it’.

“What is possible or not possible is not your business, that is nature’s business - you are using your previous experience in your life to decide - you have decided that what has not happen till now in your life, will not happen in future.”

- Sadhguru

At this moment i realised i also cared more about what people thought, than why I initially set out to do this - primarily a space for self-reflection. Hence this post also serves as a reminder to myself! We all need reminders.

And sometimes, we need multiple reminders - for me it could be my coaching circles, videos i watch over youtube, re-reading my blogposts, reviewing my intentions.

---

Ending with a short meditation i created out of more wisdom from Sadhguru:

May you live joyfully, peacefully,

Have loving and affectionate relationships,

Pleasantness within and around you.

• Health and Pleasure for your body

• Peace and Joy for your mind

• That you be a source of Love and Compassion (emotion)

• That you may create energies of Blissfulness and Ecstasy

And commit yourself to creating it.

Start with a simple thought - ‘I will create a peaceful, loving world.’

Once your thought and emotion are organised, energy will follow, and the body will soon follow. Once thought, emotion, energy and body are aligned - your ability to create and manifest what you want is phenomenal. You are a creator in many ways.

What is the hardest thing about finding your purpose?

How to live a meaningful life? How can I experience greater fulfilment in my life? What can I do to thrive, more so than just survive? What does living a life of purpose look like? Note: This article is written by a millennial in Singapore, who is learning how to dance in the rain and find joy in the storms. I am not attempting to answer these big questions, but to offer a perspective in contribution, as I think I am not the only person who struggles with such questions.

There are moments in life where we experience an existential crisis. Here’s mine and my attempt to make sense of it, despite feeling uncomfortable. Somehow there is comfort in writing it down and sharing it with others.

In a cosy and somewhat intellectual discussion of ‘purpose’ with my friends, we all seem to be searching and seeking a more purposeful life. A friend asked, “from a scale of 1 to 10, where would you rate where you are right now, 0 being off track; and 10 being where you want to be in striving to live our your purpose.”

In our group of 7, many rated themselves between 3 to 6. Somehow this discussion about purpose triggered something in me to look deeper.

Uncovering hidden expectations of ‘purpose’

In my post-reflections, I think the question held an implicit assumption that 10/10 is the ideal state we should be striving for. I used to think that a 10/10 would look like waking up energised, excited, feeling in flow most of the time, doing things that bring you the most enjoyment.

We talk about pursuing passion, and the root word of passion is suffering, which begets the question - what are you willing to suffer for?

If 10/10 fulfillment is what you may feel when things go your way, when your plans go smoothly - what about my way? All things are interconnected, where we push for our individual agendas, there are inevitable clashes. Hence if 10/10 looks like that, it is likely one will stay perennially unhappy.

The costs of ‘getting it right’

I realised i was focused in such a narrow way of thinking about what purpose was, trying to fit it into a box, or perhaps checkboxes, and trying to get it ‘right’. And I notice myself feeling more perplexed and unhappy.

A perspective on existential crises by Khuyen:

First, you must recognize that existential crises are "features, not bugs" of living, self-conscious creatures who are yet to be finished.

Crisis is opportunity to redefine self-continuity. (said the entrepreneurs who like to quote that the Chinese character for crisis, "weiji", has two parts that mean “danger” and “opportunity)

The trick is to recognize that your life narrative shouldn't make sense 100% of the time. Heck, even 90%.

If you know exactly what you are doing 90% of the time, you are bound to hit crises sooner or later.

In fact, a trait of a healthy person is to acknowledge that nobody has ever completely figured out anything.

Even the phrase "figuring things out" implies there is an answer. There is none, or there are too many.

It’s then I realised…trying to ‘get it right’ isn’t nearly as important as being happy! You don’t have to have it all figured out. Where’s the fun if we already knew?

The purpose of life, is to live.

Alan Watts explains it more eloquently here on why life is not a journey - using the analogy that the whole point of the dancing is the dance. The purpose of our lives, is to live. To live fully, and be present. There is nothing more joyful than being in the full presence of another, and being fully present for another.

“The existence, the physical universe is basically playful.

There is no necessity for it whatsoever. It isn’t going anywhere. That is to say, it doesn’t have some destination that it ought to arrive at.

But that it is best understood by the analogy with music. Because music, as an art form is essentially playful. We say, “You play the piano” You don’t “work the piano”.

Why? Music differs from say, travel. When you travel you are trying to get somewhere. In music, though, one doesn’t make the end of a composition.

The point of the composition. If that were so, the best conductors would be those who played fastest. And there would be composers who only wrote finales. People would go to a concert just to hear one crackling chord… Because that’s the end!

Same way with dancing. You don’t aim at a particular spot in the room because that’s where you will arrive. The whole point of the dancing is the dance.

- Alan Watts

Here is another perspective on purpose by Sadhguru, and i think they both share a similar perspective. But worth reading again.

This is the greatest aspect of life - that it has no meaning to it and there is no need for it to have a meaning.

The purpose of life is to live and to live totally. To live totally means - before you fall dead, every aspect of life has been explored, nothing has been left unexplored.

Purpose as a way of being and doing

Many youths want to find a job with purpose and meaning. This meaning is so personal, we aren’t really taught how to embark on this journey each within ourselves. I am on my own journey as well.

Read: https://www.mindful.org/difference-between-being-and-doing/

Sometimes it is difficult. Purpose as personified by Alan Watts and Sadhguru may seem a little philosophical, related to the way of being - to live, it also means to be present. To be present through our senses, what we notice and say to others and to ourselves, and what emotions we feel. Owning our experience.

As to what is the hardest thing about ‘doing’ your purpose - here are are some challenges my friends and I encounter. Yet, perhaps the harder thing would be learning to love what you do, for we won’t always get to do what we love. Approaching things with the intention of openness and love is an ongoing practice that I try to do...and this does not involve the absence of pain.

Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love. (Mother Teresa)

What we pay attention to, amplifies.

The power lies in what we choose to focus on, and how we choose to respond.

Thought this question posit by a friend will be apt to end this post: Is what I am paying attention to today energizing, liberating, fulfilling?

Celebrate: What’s the best that we can take forward?

Moments only come once in a lifetime. The moment it’s gone, it’s gone. Just thought it’d be timely to pause and take stock of what has happened in 2020, what is worth celebrating, and what’s the best we can take forward?

I was looking at my diary which i started this year, and found some questions to structure my reflections:

1. How can you double joy? Or even increase it by just 1%?

2. How can you double what’s working for you?

3. How can I better support people around me?

4. How do I rest?

5. What’s truly the next level for me? What would the ideal infrastructure look like?

This break has been incredibly healing on a personal and spiritual level. I haven’t really felt so connected with myself in a long time. When I look back at my diary, I notice feelings of stress, overwhelm and exhaustion happened quite regularly, and i couldn’t find the space to celebrate given my packed schedule. So I am real thankful for this breathing space to pause, notice and reflect!

In general, I felt pretty light the past week, and felt a sense of peace that everything is going to work out fine.

I also learnt that celebration is a practice! Sometimes we only celebrate the significant moments, like birthdays - but it’s actually the celebration that makes the moment significant. And i want to create more of such significant moments in my life. We can start by asking, what is worth celebrating today? in this moment, right now?

Caveat: What works for me may not work for you, simply because we are different people. What you could do is to notice what surfaces as you answer these questions, what thoughts/feelings do you notice as you read my responses perhaps? It could trigger experiences you are longing for, back memory lane.

1. How can you double joy? Or even increase it by just 1%?

I noticed that when I sing and play my guitar, time still flies. Sometimes i think music has these very deep pull for me, like it’s hard to pull me out when i’m in the ‘zone’. It’s one of the those things that makes my time fly - I remember the times i used to spend hours in the dance studio in my final year of university, alone, and it was a space free from worries and anxieties.

I noticed that when i manage to create deeper connection with people, it energises me as well. And sometimes that is just telling them what I truly feel.

Actionable steps to choose from:

• Create an infrastructure/system that allows me space to have fun with music: could look like going for dance classes, doing covers on a regular basis. It could be guitar jam time on a weekday evening of my choice.

• Am running two learning circles related to Enneagram and Personal development, to do my utmost to bring my full presence, to bring value and fertilise these relationships!

2. How can you double what’s working for you?

You are only entitled to the action, never to its fruits.

- Bhagavad Gita

I noticed that i get most things done in the mornings, my energy and concentration is the highest here so it would be great to maximise this momentum. I am most creative and focused in the mornings, after a yoga session!

I discovered through my coaching session with Ervin that working together in teams or just with someone helps me in getting things done, especially tasks i feel resistant too. This has worked really well for openjio, and some work related tasks.

I notice that setting aside time for myself in the morning instead of diving straight into work makes me feel more alive. It’s about recognising and prioritising myself too, that I am important. Sometimes I leave till the end of the day to ‘treat’ myself, but by then i’m already too tired to enjoy this time with myself. Setting aside time for myself could look like doing yoga, writing, setting the intention of who i want to be and what do i want to do.

Actionable steps to choose from:

• To start my day with energy, have a short 15 min yoga before breakfast everyday. Really clears my mind.

• When I am stuck at something for 20mins or more, get support from people around me!

3. How can I better support people around me?

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

- Proverbs 4:23

I am always inspired by how we can grow together, in fuller presence, in wholeness. Supporting me could look like a listening ear, working together with me. Sometimes we often do not know how to support people though we want to…but it could be asking a simple question to understand and clarify.

Actionable steps to choose from:

• Notice my own intentions. Ask ‘How are you’ or ‘How can I support’ only when I am truly willing to hold space on focus on the person. Why is it important to me?

• Ask, “How can I support you?”

• I feel like the questions I learn from circling would be very useful here. Refer to my Circling reflections here.

4. How do I rest?

Self-care is not selfish. Self-care means giving the world the best of you instead of what is left of you.

- Anthea Ong

I think one blessing covid has brought is that since everything outside is closed, it opens up the space for people to look inwards. I think it was one of the factors that led to the birth of this blog! For me, rest is about connecting with myself, my true needs and wants; being able to connect with my feelings even though it may be uncomfortable. Listening to my own voice.

It’s basically doing things that give me energy, and knowing what I do is not about achievement, and about enjoying the process. Knowing when is ‘enough’. Taking time to connect and celebrate with people.

Actionable steps to choose from:

• Building connection: Regular conversations with close friends to check-in, how we can support each other

• Meditation, taking time to notice what my body is telling me. Often when i feel heaviness in my head and body, it means i already over-exerted myself.

5. What’s truly the next level for me? What would the ideal infrastructure look like?

Maintaining this blog - writing weekly reflections. It’s about creating space for myself, and allowing my intentions to be known.

Maintaining the learning circles, show up in full presence and serve the group.

I think the next level is to attempt to coach people too...but i am having doubts about myself on this, like i need to do more self-work; yet it makes me excited!

Infrastructure: Starting small, asking for support from people around me, declaring my intentions so that i can hold myself accountable. Just like how i am using this blog for that!!

Thank you for reading :) Would be curious to know how these questions and reflections landed for you! What are some things you learnt about yourself that surprised you?

Taking Risks. Feeling Alive!

A short reflection from the week - where i felt most alive!

Yesterday, we had our second jiomepls community huddle, where I helped to facilitate the session on ups and downs of our journey in the social space. It was an emotional experience for me! I notice my curiosity in wanting to know the pain of each person; i feel like many a times, people in the social sector feel alot of pain and empathy for others, and they verbalise that pain (eg. struggles with the system) but not the pain (internal struggles) they are experiencing within themselves. (i think, maybe it’s a Singaporean thing actually, i dunno? ._.)

From my own experience it was not an easy journey, to take stand for things you believe in, to support a cause you feel strongly for. Anyway, since conversations tend to stay in the headspace and that was not the intention, i took the risk to share my personal stories of struggle, got pretty emotional in the moment. But i did that to hold to the context of the discussion. I realised when more people reveal more about themselves, the safety in the group increases.

“What did you wished you believe more in?”

(my friend WL asked) Sometimes I realised I wished i believed more in myself, instead of what more ‘experienced’ people say. They say i’m too young to do this or that. That you are new, and you just don’t know how things work yet. Or what you’re doing isn’t really of value.

What a pity it is, if we all just stopped there!

In fact I am so glad that we chose to pursue what we believe in. Because the truth is, we all experience different realities and see different things, it isn’t a matter of age or experience; it’s about believing in yourself, and making a stand for ourselves. So that at the end of the day, we can say that we did our best, with no regrets!

Also, given increasingly multi-faceted problems - there is no one who really has the complete solution to things. Governments and Institutions used to come up with solutions to social issues, and we can see that that alone is not enough. Increasingly complex problems require co-creation from different stakeholders (communities, ground-ups, corporates, etc), by virtue where we can’t see our own blindspots.

Anyway - i would like to wrap this post up with what I’ve mentioned to the group as well: Together let's embrace more of ourselves, celebrate incompleteness, so that we can be of service to others with our full presence.

In embracing incompleteness, we become whole. Isn’t it? By admitting that certain systems, policies and programmes don’t work, that’s the first step to working together with others to make it more ‘whole’.

The power of ‘Noticing’ - on being present

I am currently on a 8-day leave from work since 17 June. (yay!) Today marks the 4th of my leave. I notice during the first few days, there was some anxiety, and tension, i had thoughts of wanting to maximise these 8 days, and the pressure to do and achieve many things. I also felt pressure to reply my emails at times, at which there are moments I succumb to it. I noticed I felt really stressed replying my emails last friday morning. I did the same this morning - replying to 2 emails - but with much greater lightness and joy in me.

It made me curious, i was doing the same thing, but my being was different.

I noticed my curiosity.

Hence this post is titled, the power of ‘noticing’.

Practice: What did you notice about yourself right now? Just say what comes out naturally for you.

Try this for a minute! “I notice…”

I notice….(physical sensation)

Eg. I notice tightness in my right shoulder; i notice my feet is feeling cold

I notice….(thought)

Eg. I notice that my mind is busy; i notice that i am still thinking about….

I notice….(feeling)

Eg. I notice that I am feeling worried/anxious/excited.

The Four Noble Truths

1. Suffering is Universal.

2. The origin of Suffering is Attachment.

3. The Cessation of Suffering is Attainable.

4. Path to the Cessation of Suffering is Detachment.

— The Buddha

Reflect: How was your experience? What did you discover?

This is one simple practice done during Circling sessions. I went for a few over the weekend and earlier this morning, and this is what i discovered about myself:

• I notice there is a lightness in me, and i think it arises from the practice of detaching my thoughts, emotions, sensations from me.

• aka the distinction that “I am not my thoughts/emotions/sensations”

• In this process of detachment, I feel more alive in the present moment. Loving life’s paradoxes.

• Having the safe space to just share what I am experiencing within me, and my experience of someone else creates this bond and connection which is so human!

By allowing myself to notice whatever comes up, even my own resistance, naming it instead of repressing it, it feels freeing.

It creates a space where things slow down, to notice and be curious about what you notice. What is it trying to tell me?

At first, it was difficult to notice sensations because I wasn’t practicing that. So if you found it difficult - be kind to yourself, you have only just started! In our modern society today, it’s very easy to desensitise ourselves without even knowing; it could be snacking to avoid feeling stress; or holding back to avoid fear; and that’s okay too because we are human. It is what it is. Humans are imperfect.

Misconceptions of ‘being present’

Being present often connotes the idea of being fully engaged 100% of the time. That could sound like an ideal situation, but we would also have experienced moments where we felt disengaged during meetings, struggling to be present because we may have worries at the back of our heads.

Here’s another paradox - Disconnection is needed for connection; and we can be connected in disconnection. Letting the other person know, “I notice I got distracted, could you repeat that?” ; “I notice I am feeling overwhelmed, I need some time.” By letting the other person know, there is some space to be made. And that creates connection!

We make a life by what we give.

This blogpost was first posted here on 31 May 2020. I am migrating some posts to this new site.

Yesterday I had a conversation with this lady I met from one of The Thought Collective’s events. She was in her forties – but she looked way younger haha. I was inspired by her joyful being. She held space for me, but also called me out in a soft, supportive manner. She had sharp distinctions, i was curious about when she began this self-work. I kinda want to be like her when I grow up. hahaha.

What stood out for me was that she left her teaching job of 14 years – she always wanted to be a teacher when she was young. She said it was because she found something more meaningful, something that could create more lasting impact in the lives of others. What could be more meaningful for you to leave your decade long teaching job? It got me so curious about what she is doing.

But more so, her reply to my question made me reflect about where I am right now and where I want to be. It’s why I titled this reflection: we make a life by what we give. Am I learning? Is this a space I can contribute? I am still finding my space.

She really enjoyed teaching, but being a civil servant for 14 years, she also had grievances about the system. It was her health which took a toll, where she eventually had to leave her job as her immune system had issues, resulting in multiple health problems. She is currently working as a distributor for a Japanese healthcare product she strongly believes in.

Jumping into business after 14 years teaching took alot of unlearning, self-work, and trust! It was the stories of success she shared that kept her going, where her clients were truly thankful to her for making their lives better. It’s really the small things. She shared how one man had kidney issues and had to go for dialysis, and he couldn’t drink much water as he could not pee. Not being able to drink water was painful. Small things we take for granted. Eventually he slowly recovered his kidney functions, and he was so happy he could pee! It meant he could drink water!

It was stories like this that keep her going. And it is so important to remember such stories in our lives as well. Sometimes we forget the shared success stories we have, and we focus on the negatives.

She says she is still teaching, but now she teaches a wider range of people, in different modes, and she thinks that this truly creates a lasting impact in people’s lives. That was why she chose to do this. She had met many students who did not perform because their family had health issues — so in a way, she is still helping students indirectly, in a different part of the system.

We chatted about family dynamics too. Sometimes I get frustrated at my parents for being so ‘stuck’ in a certain way of thinking and doing, and i feel like my voice falls on deaf ears. Then I stopped trying after a while. I was out and about most of the time, but now that I am at home, I noticed my own resistance. “What is in it for me to resist?” That question caught me by surprise. I did not have an answer. But now I think it’s my ego.

“What are the realities they have experienced that I am not seeing?” Of course it’s hard to shift when they have been they way they are for years. I know this yet I am still stubborn sometimes.

“Love is a verb,” she said.

When we begin to understand that, we can see how our actions create hurt or love in our families. And the power of intention in the choices we make.

“Communication is an ongoing process. Humans need constant reminders. That’s why marketing exists. Imagine a plasticine being thrown – the listener only catches the messages what he/she gets, the plasticine lands a little different for each person, with their own marks.”

If there’s one thing – be curious about their narrative. She also shared that her work now consists of shifting paradigms – the way people see things, sharing how this product works – she does this by throwing out enough ‘dots’ hoping that people can draw the connections.

This made me think about my life and the work i have been doing at openjio too. In a way, i am hoping these events we share are like multiple dots we create and spread – we don’t know how exactly it will land on people. But we hope to leave a mark – a meaningful one which changes the way they see things. Connections are drawn in the eyes of the beholder (that’s how dramas work).

The advice she would give to her 20-year old self. “To be open – i was very fixed in the way I see and do things. It’s about seeing possibilities – that’s what youth is about – to explore, and only then I realise there’s so much I don’t know about.“

The hardest thing, was being willing to unlearn what she had learned. Over the past 14 years, teaching was the only thing she did, and she was really good at it. And she thought she was going to do it for a lifetime because she knew just that.

There was the struggle between her head and her heart. The head told her she can’t do it, but her heart wants to do it, and she saw a greater purpose in it. 9 years into this career, she never looked back since. I saw courage, purpose and strength – and it was not the absence of fear and pain. It was just beautiful :’)

Reflections from a Coaching Workshop

20/6: updated to include my reflections and notes from part 2 too.

I attended a Performance Coaching Workshop by SingaporeWorks on 13 and 20 June! We learnt about various useful distinctions between managing, leading, counselling, teaching and coaching. You can find my notes here for part 1 and part 2. Pre-workshop homework reflections are here, may be good to read both to get a better grasp of the context of my sharing. Or feel free to dive right in!

What stood out for me most were these three things:

1) The intangible aspect of goals I often forget;

2) My experience in coaching N, my groupmate who is from Cambodia

3) My relationship with “challenge”

1) Intangible aspect of goals

When we set goals, we often think about the achievements we want, such as mastering a skill, or getting a degree, or house for example. These are the tangible aspects of a goal.

What we often forget, is what do these goals mean to me? The intangible aspects of our goals. It may become and endless chase for achievements after achievements if we don’t pay close attention to it. Actually, I do feel like social expectations and society’s definition of success ‘pushes’ many people into this direction. I’m not saying that it’s wrong.

There is no connection between the tangible and intangible aspects of a goal, one can feel rich, but empty.

It is worth questioning: what do my goals mean to me? For one, i think i get distracted by what fancies me at the moment. So these questions help to to re-focus on what matters to me most.

Think about your goal - you are actually not after the material aspects of things. If your goal is to earn a million dollars, perhaps what you are after is actually the feeling of financial freedom. If your goal is to save enough for a holiday, perhaps you are looking for the experience of novelty, rest, or relaxation.

I invite you to think about what your goals mean to you:

What is the experience you are looking for? What is the feeling you want to create with this goal?

If I had a magic wand, and you had these achievements you wanted - what would it be like? Where else would you want to experience this?

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When i think about this, I think the experience I want is to feel deeply connected with people around me. To feel loved, to have open, meaningful conversations with each other - conversations about our dreams and building each other up with our words and actions. I would like to experience this in my family, and also with my friends and in workplaces.

This is why I really believe in the power of communities - humans are fallible. No one is strong all the time. (That would be borderline psycho)

When we fall, who catches us?

Who are the people we think about? Who are the people I want to surround myself with?

Who do I want to catch when they fall?

We can’t catch everyone. That’s not the point. The point is that even when there is just one person who reaches out, it makes the whole difference to someone’s world.

I want to build strong communities that hold this healing space, so that we can all grow to be more whole and live the lives we truly want.

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This is your Why. This is what powers your commitment.

Coaches are powerful not because they impart knowledge. If it were just knowledge-based coaching, the person can only become as good as the coach. Knowing and doing are two different things as well. Americans have the best knowledge in losing weight, yet they have the highest obesity rates as well. Finding out how is not as easy as doing it.

Commitment-based coaching - It’s about doing the practice, identifying what is blocking you, and taking action. With that, growth is infinite!

2) Noticing myself - my first coaching experience

During the workshop, we had the opportunity to get to coach in 2 sessions.

I noticed that when I am focusing on the coachee, i am most in flow. I think about what questions i can ask to support him, and do my best to be a clear mirror that reflects him, asking him if that’s something he really wants to work on. Without judgement, or assumptions. Moments of ‘purity’ i call it.

But there are moments where I notice my own fears, did i catch what he said right? I notice myself feeling the heaviness as he shared his problems - as if it was my responsibility to solve them? The coachee is responsible for doing the work, to continue playing in the field; it is my responsibility to have him reach his goals, and take intentional pauses to reflect and ensure we are aligned to those goals. I notice the tendency to jump in and i want to do this to make myself feel better, instead of holding space for uncomfortable emotions. I notice the feelings of uncertainty, lost - there is comfort acknowledging I don’t have the answers. No one knows, anyway.

3) My relationship with “challenge”

One of the homework given to us after part 1 was to seek feedback from people around us, on whether we are more relationship-focused or challenge-focused.

(Invitation for you to take a pause: which is your dominant muscle?)

Largely the feedback i have gotten is that I am more relationship-focused, though i think in my family i could be more challenge-focused haha.

Through the coaching session with S, I realised this resistance to challenging people comes from my misconception of what ‘challenge’ meant. I realised i narrowly interpreted challenge as being assertive and direct, which could potentially cause conflict. I have the tendency to be conflict avoidant, withdrawing is how i usually respond to tension.

But what I realised when S challenged me to a bigger goal, it gave me more confidence, it felt good. Challenging need not look intimidating; a relationship of growth is when we challenge one another to do better. :) Underlying the challenge, is the belief that ‘I believe you can be bigger’. ‘I see something in you that you may not be able to see right now.’ So the role of a coach is to help people see that potential in themselves too, which otherwise they might not have.

Like what I mentioned in this blogpost:

Believing is seeing. Choosing to see. Helping people to see something beautiful within themselves that they don’t see. Sometimes we forget our own beauty within and we just need people to remind us. We need to remind each other the beauties of our existence, for none of these paths are “by chance”.

Ultimately, what i learnt is that when we focus outwards, these fears become less important. People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. If the intention is to want to care for and help someone, we realise these fears which come from the focus on self will begin to dissolve.

Final thoughts:

The power of noticing and observing are what differentiates good and great coaches perhaps. Noticing what is going on within themselves, and noticing what is going with the coachee.

In fact, if we slow down and notice what is happening within and around us, we may be pleasantly surprised at what we can find.

I noticed that I tend to complain about the feeling of boredom which comes with frustration. This week i notice that if I tried to sit with the boredom, and not jump in to use my phone to distract myself, i become curious about boredom, and how my body feels, what is this boredom trying to tell me?

I haven’t quite figure this out yet - let me sit a little more with it first.

What consumes most of your emotional energy?

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Ontological coach Ellery asked me prior to our coaching conversation. Emotions inform us of our needs, he said. Emotions are a linguistic expression as we connect our sensations and thought to verbalise what we feel.

1. Work

Though I enjoy parts of my job, there are times I feel really bored by the tasks I need to do, and i can’t see how it’s meaningful to me in anyway. At times my heart longs for a space where i can have meaningful, transformational conversations as the focus of my job.

I felt this disconnection at times when everyone is just concentrated on finishing task after task, and the tasks never really end. It also seemed like there isn’t a space for informal, “vulnerable” conversations that truly build connection. I try to strive for this, but it is difficult, partially because of the organisation culture, and also because of my own resistance and judgements. This manifests into frustration, and resignation — until I find a space where I can externalise this energy, which is usually found outside of work.

Frustration, Ellery explained, comes with a sense of “stuckness”, and 99% of the time it occurs because there are missing requests. What are some missing requests that you may have?

Understanding the root of frustration - Missing Requests

I try to start small, by sharing my real thoughts with my colleagues and creating spaces and sharing circles for more reflective conversations. That in itself, was already me making a request, just that i didn’t have this distinction in my language.

Ellery asked me if I even tried to initiate such conversations with my boss. That had never really crossed my mind, there was uncertainty and a fear of looking ‘stupid’, or i may come across as i’m complaining? Which didn’t feel ideal.

He told me that if i felt this way, there is a chance that someone else may be feeling this way too. Holding space for my boss? Wow, that really never occured to me. (This still scares me; frankly not so sure what will my boss responds if he ever sees this post. LOL)

But yes, bosses are humans too, and all humans need connection. Connections are only built when people are open about themselves.

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2. Family

Family is a complicated mess i don’t even know where to start or how to unpack this. There are thoughts like, ‘I want our family to be closer’ and yet I am resistant to doing the work. The hardest part comes in being calm in the automatic reactions which get triggered so easily — anger creates anger, and soon everyone becomes agitated. The thought that “things won’t change no matter what i do” sometimes feels deeply true and unsettling. Perhaps it’s where acceptance is most needed, and ironically enough, change comes with acceptance of the way things are.

Anyway, there is a story which I have been telling my closer friends, but not the person who needs to hear it most - my dearest sister.

We were much closer when we were younger, and we used to have many late night conversations; but my sister has been struggling with health issues in recent years. (I struggled with eczema too, and topical steroid withdrawal symptoms such as Red Skin Syndrome, which I had documented here.) Long story short, we grew apart as I went to university and i spent most of my time outside home.

There are times where I initiate conversations, but when she’s at her computer she ignores me, and i feel like there’s nothing else I can do to build connection. I told myself I will do this, slowly…there are better days and worst days.

“What are the moods you feel when you look back then and now?”

I notice that I began to tear. (bodily sensation)

I felt guilt. (emotion, which i had thought i had gotten over, but apparently not)

I also felt distant, disconnected. (thoughts)

And I felt sadness. (emotion)

Guilt meant that there were unmet standards I had. And sadness meant that I was losing something important; where one can grief for the loss or if possible, rebuild the relationship together.

Desensitisation (adapted from Gestalt Theory of Resistance)

Have you tried being more forthcoming with your sister?

Ellery described me as kind of tip-toeing around the issue, that I could be desensitising myself. I didn’t quite understand. But i had a gut feel that this is my blindspot.

He explained his observation: as i shared the issue with my sister, i would say that I have tried talking to her, thought many times it didn’t work, but that at least reduces my guilt. Then I would say that I would do this slowly….

As I reflected, I think I also desensitise myself from issues at work by focusing on the smaller things that would satisfy me; but not the elephant in the room. (ie. talking about it to my boss)

Have you tried having this conversation we just had with your sister?

He’s not the first person to point this out…and i hope he is the last.

A conversation about needs would create the container for the space. My needs - missing requests, remember? To be vulnerable and put myself out there, be forthcoming - that builds connection first. So that it creates the safe space for my sister to show up and share her most vulnerable emotions as well.

So, I will be having this conversation with my sister. I’ll update how it goes!

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Some further reflections:

I was not aware that I am desensitising myself - it’s something some of my friends have pointed out, but this was the most apt word to describe it so far. I am now an expert in desensitisation. muahahaha.

I also asked Ellery some questions about coaching - he shared that he usually focuses the conversation on pain (layman terms). He further provides a distinction: Pain is meaningless. Suffering is meaningful. That’s why the root word for passion is, to suffer. If there is no pain, or if the person is unwilling to go deeper into the pain, there’s nothing much to coach. The person needs to be willing to do the work, and the coach will do best to support. Hence, coaching is a really intimate experience.

So I asked, is it the job of the coach to make people feel the pain? He said that’s a pretty crude way of putting it (haha, my inner sadist) and patiently explains that the coach is one who shines a spotlight/provide some awareness of where and what the pain is about. It usually starts off with exploration, then going deeper. In an ideal coaching conversation, the coachee will be doing 90% of the talking - the work! Coaching is about being, and it provides the person to explore a different way of being, and change comes when one translate that to their lives.

How a coach behaves in a coaching session is likely how he/she behaves outside the conversation - the triggers, how to center self after being triggered, and the coach learns a lot through the session as well.

I also asked another question, on how do you ensure that you are “clean”? He was abit bewildered and asked me what I thought haha. I answered coach need coaches too, to shed light on their blindspots. He also meditates using headspace, so that it helps him to slow down and be more aware; and with awareness comes the power of choice.

Acceptance

I choose for this blog space to be one of acceptance. So that I can hold this space for myself, and do it for the same for others.

In brokenness, I am whole. I am whole because these cracks allow the light to flow through. What do these cracks symbolise? It meant that it’s perfectly human to make mistakes. It’s okay to not be okay. There are days where I catch myself with spiralling thoughts of self-doubt, and they seemed so true, and in fact i had believed those thoughts for a really long time it felt like they were a part of me. Sometimes it felt hard to believe not so, because that’s all I could see, right?

I think it’s wonderful to believe that every person in my life right now is here for a reason. I’d like to think that they are here because they can teach me something – patience, loss, love. Acceptance.

What is life, really? I think life is just what we choose to believe about others, and about ourselves? Because i think that really makes all the difference.

Believing is seeing. Choosing to see. Helping people to see something beautiful within themselves that they don’t see. Sometimes we forget our own beauty within and we just need people to remind us. We need to remind each other the beauties of our existence, for none of these paths are “by chance”.

And sometimes I forget that life is my own journey to take. I get caught up comparing my lives with others, creating this dissatisfaction in myself. Then I judge myself for thinking like that. hahaha. quite funny right? I just realised how much energy is spend on beating myself, again. But that’s okay too.

I can choose to laugh at myself too. I can choose look at these memories fondly. And they are very much so. When I stop trying to “fix” things, everything seems like it’s…working? It doesn’t mean that these issues don’t exist, but it means that I allow them to exist instead of changing them. I really think many things in life are beyond our control. By allowing them to exist, I am allowing them to just be. I am allowing myself for a deeper connection…

And perhaps by truly connecting, that’s how things can truly change?

This is a reminder that i’m my own person. And i’m on my own journey. That I have an awesome, supportive group of friends with me, and I’m not alone. It’s also a reminder for me to that i don’t need permission to be myself. And it’s okay to be rejected, because it does not mean I am rejected. Rejections speak more about the other than myself. Understand where that rejection really comes from. Hurt people, hurt people.

My achievements don’t define me, I define my achievements. Achievements are over-glorified huh. I think times worth celebrating are often things that people don’t see. Moments when one chooses to speak out even though you feel heart-pumping sweaty scared. More often than not, we only see the triumphs, and little attention goes behind the struggles behind the triumph – i think that’s something worth truly celebrating.

So if you’re reading this, remember to celebrate these moments 🙂 These are moments, no matter how tiny, are significant steps of you being you. That’s the most wonderful gift to the world and people around you.

Sometimes I forget. That’s why I need to type this while i remember.