What is the hardest thing about finding your purpose?
How to live a meaningful life? How can I experience greater fulfilment in my life? What can I do to thrive, more so than just survive? What does living a life of purpose look like? Note: This article is written by a millennial in Singapore, who is learning how to dance in the rain and find joy in the storms. I am not attempting to answer these big questions, but to offer a perspective in contribution, as I think I am not the only person who struggles with such questions.
There are moments in life where we experience an existential crisis. Here’s mine and my attempt to make sense of it, despite feeling uncomfortable. Somehow there is comfort in writing it down and sharing it with others.
In a cosy and somewhat intellectual discussion of ‘purpose’ with my friends, we all seem to be searching and seeking a more purposeful life. A friend asked, “from a scale of 1 to 10, where would you rate where you are right now, 0 being off track; and 10 being where you want to be in striving to live our your purpose.”
In our group of 7, many rated themselves between 3 to 6. Somehow this discussion about purpose triggered something in me to look deeper.
Uncovering hidden expectations of ‘purpose’
In my post-reflections, I think the question held an implicit assumption that 10/10 is the ideal state we should be striving for. I used to think that a 10/10 would look like waking up energised, excited, feeling in flow most of the time, doing things that bring you the most enjoyment.
We talk about pursuing passion, and the root word of passion is suffering, which begets the question - what are you willing to suffer for?
If 10/10 fulfillment is what you may feel when things go your way, when your plans go smoothly - what about my way? All things are interconnected, where we push for our individual agendas, there are inevitable clashes. Hence if 10/10 looks like that, it is likely one will stay perennially unhappy.
The costs of ‘getting it right’
I realised i was focused in such a narrow way of thinking about what purpose was, trying to fit it into a box, or perhaps checkboxes, and trying to get it ‘right’. And I notice myself feeling more perplexed and unhappy.
A perspective on existential crises by Khuyen:
First, you must recognize that existential crises are "features, not bugs" of living, self-conscious creatures who are yet to be finished.
Crisis is opportunity to redefine self-continuity. (said the entrepreneurs who like to quote that the Chinese character for crisis, "weiji", has two parts that mean “danger” and “opportunity)
The trick is to recognize that your life narrative shouldn't make sense 100% of the time. Heck, even 90%.
If you know exactly what you are doing 90% of the time, you are bound to hit crises sooner or later.
In fact, a trait of a healthy person is to acknowledge that nobody has ever completely figured out anything.
Even the phrase "figuring things out" implies there is an answer. There is none, or there are too many.
It’s then I realised…trying to ‘get it right’ isn’t nearly as important as being happy! You don’t have to have it all figured out. Where’s the fun if we already knew?
The purpose of life, is to live.
Alan Watts explains it more eloquently here on why life is not a journey - using the analogy that the whole point of the dancing is the dance. The purpose of our lives, is to live. To live fully, and be present. There is nothing more joyful than being in the full presence of another, and being fully present for another.
“The existence, the physical universe is basically playful.
There is no necessity for it whatsoever. It isn’t going anywhere. That is to say, it doesn’t have some destination that it ought to arrive at.
But that it is best understood by the analogy with music. Because music, as an art form is essentially playful. We say, “You play the piano” You don’t “work the piano”.
Why? Music differs from say, travel. When you travel you are trying to get somewhere. In music, though, one doesn’t make the end of a composition.
The point of the composition. If that were so, the best conductors would be those who played fastest. And there would be composers who only wrote finales. People would go to a concert just to hear one crackling chord… Because that’s the end!
Same way with dancing. You don’t aim at a particular spot in the room because that’s where you will arrive. The whole point of the dancing is the dance.
- Alan Watts
Here is another perspective on purpose by Sadhguru, and i think they both share a similar perspective. But worth reading again.
This is the greatest aspect of life - that it has no meaning to it and there is no need for it to have a meaning.
The purpose of life is to live and to live totally. To live totally means - before you fall dead, every aspect of life has been explored, nothing has been left unexplored.
Purpose as a way of being and doing
Many youths want to find a job with purpose and meaning. This meaning is so personal, we aren’t really taught how to embark on this journey each within ourselves. I am on my own journey as well.
Read: https://www.mindful.org/difference-between-being-and-doing/
Sometimes it is difficult. Purpose as personified by Alan Watts and Sadhguru may seem a little philosophical, related to the way of being - to live, it also means to be present. To be present through our senses, what we notice and say to others and to ourselves, and what emotions we feel. Owning our experience.
As to what is the hardest thing about ‘doing’ your purpose - here are are some challenges my friends and I encounter. Yet, perhaps the harder thing would be learning to love what you do, for we won’t always get to do what we love. Approaching things with the intention of openness and love is an ongoing practice that I try to do...and this does not involve the absence of pain.
Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love. (Mother Teresa)
What we pay attention to, amplifies.
The power lies in what we choose to focus on, and how we choose to respond.
Thought this question posit by a friend will be apt to end this post: Is what I am paying attention to today energizing, liberating, fulfilling?
We make a life by what we give.
This blogpost was first posted here on 31 May 2020. I am migrating some posts to this new site.
Yesterday I had a conversation with this lady I met from one of The Thought Collective’s events. She was in her forties – but she looked way younger haha. I was inspired by her joyful being. She held space for me, but also called me out in a soft, supportive manner. She had sharp distinctions, i was curious about when she began this self-work. I kinda want to be like her when I grow up. hahaha.
What stood out for me was that she left her teaching job of 14 years – she always wanted to be a teacher when she was young. She said it was because she found something more meaningful, something that could create more lasting impact in the lives of others. What could be more meaningful for you to leave your decade long teaching job? It got me so curious about what she is doing.
But more so, her reply to my question made me reflect about where I am right now and where I want to be. It’s why I titled this reflection: we make a life by what we give. Am I learning? Is this a space I can contribute? I am still finding my space.
She really enjoyed teaching, but being a civil servant for 14 years, she also had grievances about the system. It was her health which took a toll, where she eventually had to leave her job as her immune system had issues, resulting in multiple health problems. She is currently working as a distributor for a Japanese healthcare product she strongly believes in.
Jumping into business after 14 years teaching took alot of unlearning, self-work, and trust! It was the stories of success she shared that kept her going, where her clients were truly thankful to her for making their lives better. It’s really the small things. She shared how one man had kidney issues and had to go for dialysis, and he couldn’t drink much water as he could not pee. Not being able to drink water was painful. Small things we take for granted. Eventually he slowly recovered his kidney functions, and he was so happy he could pee! It meant he could drink water!
It was stories like this that keep her going. And it is so important to remember such stories in our lives as well. Sometimes we forget the shared success stories we have, and we focus on the negatives.
She says she is still teaching, but now she teaches a wider range of people, in different modes, and she thinks that this truly creates a lasting impact in people’s lives. That was why she chose to do this. She had met many students who did not perform because their family had health issues — so in a way, she is still helping students indirectly, in a different part of the system.
We chatted about family dynamics too. Sometimes I get frustrated at my parents for being so ‘stuck’ in a certain way of thinking and doing, and i feel like my voice falls on deaf ears. Then I stopped trying after a while. I was out and about most of the time, but now that I am at home, I noticed my own resistance. “What is in it for me to resist?” That question caught me by surprise. I did not have an answer. But now I think it’s my ego.
“What are the realities they have experienced that I am not seeing?” Of course it’s hard to shift when they have been they way they are for years. I know this yet I am still stubborn sometimes.
“Love is a verb,” she said.
When we begin to understand that, we can see how our actions create hurt or love in our families. And the power of intention in the choices we make.
“Communication is an ongoing process. Humans need constant reminders. That’s why marketing exists. Imagine a plasticine being thrown – the listener only catches the messages what he/she gets, the plasticine lands a little different for each person, with their own marks.”
If there’s one thing – be curious about their narrative. She also shared that her work now consists of shifting paradigms – the way people see things, sharing how this product works – she does this by throwing out enough ‘dots’ hoping that people can draw the connections.
This made me think about my life and the work i have been doing at openjio too. In a way, i am hoping these events we share are like multiple dots we create and spread – we don’t know how exactly it will land on people. But we hope to leave a mark – a meaningful one which changes the way they see things. Connections are drawn in the eyes of the beholder (that’s how dramas work).
The advice she would give to her 20-year old self. “To be open – i was very fixed in the way I see and do things. It’s about seeing possibilities – that’s what youth is about – to explore, and only then I realise there’s so much I don’t know about.“
The hardest thing, was being willing to unlearn what she had learned. Over the past 14 years, teaching was the only thing she did, and she was really good at it. And she thought she was going to do it for a lifetime because she knew just that.
There was the struggle between her head and her heart. The head told her she can’t do it, but her heart wants to do it, and she saw a greater purpose in it. 9 years into this career, she never looked back since. I saw courage, purpose and strength – and it was not the absence of fear and pain. It was just beautiful :’)