Taking Risks. Feeling Alive!
A short reflection from the week - where i felt most alive!
Yesterday, we had our second jiomepls community huddle, where I helped to facilitate the session on ups and downs of our journey in the social space. It was an emotional experience for me! I notice my curiosity in wanting to know the pain of each person; i feel like many a times, people in the social sector feel alot of pain and empathy for others, and they verbalise that pain (eg. struggles with the system) but not the pain (internal struggles) they are experiencing within themselves. (i think, maybe it’s a Singaporean thing actually, i dunno? ._.)
From my own experience it was not an easy journey, to take stand for things you believe in, to support a cause you feel strongly for. Anyway, since conversations tend to stay in the headspace and that was not the intention, i took the risk to share my personal stories of struggle, got pretty emotional in the moment. But i did that to hold to the context of the discussion. I realised when more people reveal more about themselves, the safety in the group increases.
“What did you wished you believe more in?”
(my friend WL asked) Sometimes I realised I wished i believed more in myself, instead of what more ‘experienced’ people say. They say i’m too young to do this or that. That you are new, and you just don’t know how things work yet. Or what you’re doing isn’t really of value.
What a pity it is, if we all just stopped there!
In fact I am so glad that we chose to pursue what we believe in. Because the truth is, we all experience different realities and see different things, it isn’t a matter of age or experience; it’s about believing in yourself, and making a stand for ourselves. So that at the end of the day, we can say that we did our best, with no regrets!
Also, given increasingly multi-faceted problems - there is no one who really has the complete solution to things. Governments and Institutions used to come up with solutions to social issues, and we can see that that alone is not enough. Increasingly complex problems require co-creation from different stakeholders (communities, ground-ups, corporates, etc), by virtue where we can’t see our own blindspots.
Anyway - i would like to wrap this post up with what I’ve mentioned to the group as well: Together let's embrace more of ourselves, celebrate incompleteness, so that we can be of service to others with our full presence.
In embracing incompleteness, we become whole. Isn’t it? By admitting that certain systems, policies and programmes don’t work, that’s the first step to working together with others to make it more ‘whole’.
The power of ‘Noticing’ - on being present
I am currently on a 8-day leave from work since 17 June. (yay!) Today marks the 4th of my leave. I notice during the first few days, there was some anxiety, and tension, i had thoughts of wanting to maximise these 8 days, and the pressure to do and achieve many things. I also felt pressure to reply my emails at times, at which there are moments I succumb to it. I noticed I felt really stressed replying my emails last friday morning. I did the same this morning - replying to 2 emails - but with much greater lightness and joy in me.
It made me curious, i was doing the same thing, but my being was different.
I noticed my curiosity.
Hence this post is titled, the power of ‘noticing’.
Practice: What did you notice about yourself right now? Just say what comes out naturally for you.
Try this for a minute! “I notice…”
I notice….(physical sensation)
Eg. I notice tightness in my right shoulder; i notice my feet is feeling cold
I notice….(thought)
Eg. I notice that my mind is busy; i notice that i am still thinking about….
I notice….(feeling)
Eg. I notice that I am feeling worried/anxious/excited.
The Four Noble Truths
1. Suffering is Universal.
2. The origin of Suffering is Attachment.
3. The Cessation of Suffering is Attainable.
4. Path to the Cessation of Suffering is Detachment.
— The Buddha
Reflect: How was your experience? What did you discover?
This is one simple practice done during Circling sessions. I went for a few over the weekend and earlier this morning, and this is what i discovered about myself:
I notice there is a lightness in me, and i think it arises from the practice of detaching my thoughts, emotions, sensations from me.
aka the distinction that “I am not my thoughts/emotions/sensations”
In this process of detachment, I feel more alive in the present moment. Loving life’s paradoxes.
Having the safe space to just share what I am experiencing within me, and my experience of someone else creates this bond and connection which is so human!
By allowing myself to notice whatever comes up, even my own resistance, naming it instead of repressing it, it feels freeing.
It creates a space where things slow down, to notice and be curious about what you notice. What is it trying to tell me?
At first, it was difficult to notice sensations because I wasn’t practicing that. So if you found it difficult - be kind to yourself, you have only just started! In our modern society today, it’s very easy to desensitise ourselves without even knowing; it could be snacking to avoid feeling stress; or holding back to avoid fear; and that’s okay too because we are human. It is what it is. Humans are imperfect.
Misconceptions of ‘being present’
Being present often connotes the idea of being fully engaged 100% of the time. That could sound like an ideal situation, but we would also have experienced moments where we felt disengaged during meetings, struggling to be present because we may have worries at the back of our heads.
Here’s another paradox - Disconnection is needed for connection; and we can be connected in disconnection. Letting the other person know, “I notice I got distracted, could you repeat that?” ; “I notice I am feeling overwhelmed, I need some time.” By letting the other person know, there is some space to be made. And that creates connection!
We make a life by what we give.
This blogpost was first posted here on 31 May 2020. I am migrating some posts to this new site.
Yesterday I had a conversation with this lady I met from one of The Thought Collective’s events. She was in her forties – but she looked way younger haha. I was inspired by her joyful being. She held space for me, but also called me out in a soft, supportive manner. She had sharp distinctions, i was curious about when she began this self-work. I kinda want to be like her when I grow up. hahaha.
What stood out for me was that she left her teaching job of 14 years – she always wanted to be a teacher when she was young. She said it was because she found something more meaningful, something that could create more lasting impact in the lives of others. What could be more meaningful for you to leave your decade long teaching job? It got me so curious about what she is doing.
But more so, her reply to my question made me reflect about where I am right now and where I want to be. It’s why I titled this reflection: we make a life by what we give. Am I learning? Is this a space I can contribute? I am still finding my space.
She really enjoyed teaching, but being a civil servant for 14 years, she also had grievances about the system. It was her health which took a toll, where she eventually had to leave her job as her immune system had issues, resulting in multiple health problems. She is currently working as a distributor for a Japanese healthcare product she strongly believes in.
Jumping into business after 14 years teaching took alot of unlearning, self-work, and trust! It was the stories of success she shared that kept her going, where her clients were truly thankful to her for making their lives better. It’s really the small things. She shared how one man had kidney issues and had to go for dialysis, and he couldn’t drink much water as he could not pee. Not being able to drink water was painful. Small things we take for granted. Eventually he slowly recovered his kidney functions, and he was so happy he could pee! It meant he could drink water!
It was stories like this that keep her going. And it is so important to remember such stories in our lives as well. Sometimes we forget the shared success stories we have, and we focus on the negatives.
She says she is still teaching, but now she teaches a wider range of people, in different modes, and she thinks that this truly creates a lasting impact in people’s lives. That was why she chose to do this. She had met many students who did not perform because their family had health issues — so in a way, she is still helping students indirectly, in a different part of the system.
We chatted about family dynamics too. Sometimes I get frustrated at my parents for being so ‘stuck’ in a certain way of thinking and doing, and i feel like my voice falls on deaf ears. Then I stopped trying after a while. I was out and about most of the time, but now that I am at home, I noticed my own resistance. “What is in it for me to resist?” That question caught me by surprise. I did not have an answer. But now I think it’s my ego.
“What are the realities they have experienced that I am not seeing?” Of course it’s hard to shift when they have been they way they are for years. I know this yet I am still stubborn sometimes.
“Love is a verb,” she said.
When we begin to understand that, we can see how our actions create hurt or love in our families. And the power of intention in the choices we make.
“Communication is an ongoing process. Humans need constant reminders. That’s why marketing exists. Imagine a plasticine being thrown – the listener only catches the messages what he/she gets, the plasticine lands a little different for each person, with their own marks.”
If there’s one thing – be curious about their narrative. She also shared that her work now consists of shifting paradigms – the way people see things, sharing how this product works – she does this by throwing out enough ‘dots’ hoping that people can draw the connections.
This made me think about my life and the work i have been doing at openjio too. In a way, i am hoping these events we share are like multiple dots we create and spread – we don’t know how exactly it will land on people. But we hope to leave a mark – a meaningful one which changes the way they see things. Connections are drawn in the eyes of the beholder (that’s how dramas work).
The advice she would give to her 20-year old self. “To be open – i was very fixed in the way I see and do things. It’s about seeing possibilities – that’s what youth is about – to explore, and only then I realise there’s so much I don’t know about.“
The hardest thing, was being willing to unlearn what she had learned. Over the past 14 years, teaching was the only thing she did, and she was really good at it. And she thought she was going to do it for a lifetime because she knew just that.
There was the struggle between her head and her heart. The head told her she can’t do it, but her heart wants to do it, and she saw a greater purpose in it. 9 years into this career, she never looked back since. I saw courage, purpose and strength – and it was not the absence of fear and pain. It was just beautiful :’)
Reflections from a Coaching Workshop
20/6: updated to include my reflections and notes from part 2 too.
I attended a Performance Coaching Workshop by SingaporeWorks on 13 and 20 June! We learnt about various useful distinctions between managing, leading, counselling, teaching and coaching. You can find my notes here for part 1 and part 2. Pre-workshop homework reflections are here, may be good to read both to get a better grasp of the context of my sharing. Or feel free to dive right in!
What stood out for me most were these three things:
1) The intangible aspect of goals I often forget;
2) My experience in coaching N, my groupmate who is from Cambodia
3) My relationship with “challenge”
1) Intangible aspect of goals
When we set goals, we often think about the achievements we want, such as mastering a skill, or getting a degree, or house for example. These are the tangible aspects of a goal.
What we often forget, is what do these goals mean to me? The intangible aspects of our goals. It may become and endless chase for achievements after achievements if we don’t pay close attention to it. Actually, I do feel like social expectations and society’s definition of success ‘pushes’ many people into this direction. I’m not saying that it’s wrong.
There is no connection between the tangible and intangible aspects of a goal, one can feel rich, but empty.
It is worth questioning: what do my goals mean to me? For one, i think i get distracted by what fancies me at the moment. So these questions help to to re-focus on what matters to me most.
Think about your goal - you are actually not after the material aspects of things. If your goal is to earn a million dollars, perhaps what you are after is actually the feeling of financial freedom. If your goal is to save enough for a holiday, perhaps you are looking for the experience of novelty, rest, or relaxation.
I invite you to think about what your goals mean to you:
What is the experience you are looking for? What is the feeling you want to create with this goal?
If I had a magic wand, and you had these achievements you wanted - what would it be like? Where else would you want to experience this?
When i think about this, I think the experience I want is to feel deeply connected with people around me. To feel loved, to have open, meaningful conversations with each other - conversations about our dreams and building each other up with our words and actions. I would like to experience this in my family, and also with my friends and in workplaces.
This is why I really believe in the power of communities - humans are fallible. No one is strong all the time. (That would be borderline psycho)
When we fall, who catches us?
Who are the people we think about? Who are the people I want to surround myself with?
Who do I want to catch when they fall?
We can’t catch everyone. That’s not the point. The point is that even when there is just one person who reaches out, it makes the whole difference to someone’s world.
I want to build strong communities that hold this healing space, so that we can all grow to be more whole and live the lives we truly want.
This is your Why. This is what powers your commitment.
Coaches are powerful not because they impart knowledge. If it were just knowledge-based coaching, the person can only become as good as the coach. Knowing and doing are two different things as well. Americans have the best knowledge in losing weight, yet they have the highest obesity rates as well. Finding out how is not as easy as doing it.
Commitment-based coaching - It’s about doing the practice, identifying what is blocking you, and taking action. With that, growth is infinite!
2) Noticing myself - my first coaching experience
During the workshop, we had the opportunity to get to coach in 2 sessions.
I noticed that when I am focusing on the coachee, i am most in flow. I think about what questions i can ask to support him, and do my best to be a clear mirror that reflects him, asking him if that’s something he really wants to work on. Without judgement, or assumptions. Moments of ‘purity’ i call it.
But there are moments where I notice my own fears, did i catch what he said right? I notice myself feeling the heaviness as he shared his problems - as if it was my responsibility to solve them? The coachee is responsible for doing the work, to continue playing in the field; it is my responsibility to have him reach his goals, and take intentional pauses to reflect and ensure we are aligned to those goals. I notice the tendency to jump in and i want to do this to make myself feel better, instead of holding space for uncomfortable emotions. I notice the feelings of uncertainty, lost - there is comfort acknowledging I don’t have the answers. No one knows, anyway.
3) My relationship with “challenge”
One of the homework given to us after part 1 was to seek feedback from people around us, on whether we are more relationship-focused or challenge-focused.
(Invitation for you to take a pause: which is your dominant muscle?)
Largely the feedback i have gotten is that I am more relationship-focused, though i think in my family i could be more challenge-focused haha.
Through the coaching session with S, I realised this resistance to challenging people comes from my misconception of what ‘challenge’ meant. I realised i narrowly interpreted challenge as being assertive and direct, which could potentially cause conflict. I have the tendency to be conflict avoidant, withdrawing is how i usually respond to tension.
But what I realised when S challenged me to a bigger goal, it gave me more confidence, it felt good. Challenging need not look intimidating; a relationship of growth is when we challenge one another to do better. :) Underlying the challenge, is the belief that ‘I believe you can be bigger’. ‘I see something in you that you may not be able to see right now.’ So the role of a coach is to help people see that potential in themselves too, which otherwise they might not have.
Like what I mentioned in this blogpost:
Believing is seeing. Choosing to see. Helping people to see something beautiful within themselves that they don’t see. Sometimes we forget our own beauty within and we just need people to remind us. We need to remind each other the beauties of our existence, for none of these paths are “by chance”.
Ultimately, what i learnt is that when we focus outwards, these fears become less important. People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. If the intention is to want to care for and help someone, we realise these fears which come from the focus on self will begin to dissolve.
Final thoughts:
The power of noticing and observing are what differentiates good and great coaches perhaps. Noticing what is going on within themselves, and noticing what is going with the coachee.
In fact, if we slow down and notice what is happening within and around us, we may be pleasantly surprised at what we can find.
I noticed that I tend to complain about the feeling of boredom which comes with frustration. This week i notice that if I tried to sit with the boredom, and not jump in to use my phone to distract myself, i become curious about boredom, and how my body feels, what is this boredom trying to tell me?
I haven’t quite figure this out yet - let me sit a little more with it first.
What consumes most of your emotional energy?
Ontological coach Ellery asked me prior to our coaching conversation. Emotions inform us of our needs, he said. Emotions are a linguistic expression as we connect our sensations and thought to verbalise what we feel.
Work
Though I enjoy parts of my job, there are times I feel really bored by the tasks I need to do, and i can’t see how it’s meaningful to me in anyway. At times my heart longs for a space where i can have meaningful, transformational conversations as the focus of my job.
I felt this disconnection at times when everyone is just concentrated on finishing task after task, and the tasks never really end. It also seemed like there isn’t a space for informal, “vulnerable” conversations that truly build connection. I try to strive for this, but it is difficult, partially because of the organisation culture, and also because of my own resistance and judgements. This manifests into frustration, and resignation — until I find a space where I can externalise this energy, which is usually found outside of work.
Frustration, Ellery explained, comes with a sense of “stuckness”, and 99% of the time it occurs because there are missing requests. What are some missing requests that you may have?
Understanding the root of frustration - Missing Requests
I try to start small, by sharing my real thoughts with my colleagues and creating spaces and sharing circles for more reflective conversations. That in itself, was already me making a request, just that i didn’t have this distinction in my language.
Ellery asked me if I even tried to initiate such conversations with my boss. That had never really crossed my mind, there was uncertainty and a fear of looking ‘stupid’, or i may come across as i’m complaining? Which didn’t feel ideal.
He told me that if i felt this way, there is a chance that someone else may be feeling this way too. Holding space for my boss? Wow, that really never occured to me. (This still scares me; frankly not so sure what will my boss responds if he ever sees this post. LOL)
But yes, bosses are humans too, and all humans need connection. Connections are only built when people are open about themselves.
2. Family
Family is a complicated mess i don’t even know where to start or how to unpack this. There are thoughts like, ‘I want our family to be closer’ and yet I am resistant to doing the work. The hardest part comes in being calm in the automatic reactions which get triggered so easily — anger creates anger, and soon everyone becomes agitated. The thought that “things won’t change no matter what i do” sometimes feels deeply true and unsettling. Perhaps it’s where acceptance is most needed, and ironically enough, change comes with acceptance of the way things are.
Anyway, there is a story which I have been telling my closer friends, but not the person who needs to hear it most - my dearest sister.
We were much closer when we were younger, and we used to have many late night conversations; but my sister has been struggling with health issues in recent years. (I struggled with eczema too, and topical steroid withdrawal symptoms such as Red Skin Syndrome, which I had documented here.) Long story short, we grew apart as I went to university and i spent most of my time outside home.
There are times where I initiate conversations, but when she’s at her computer she ignores me, and i feel like there’s nothing else I can do to build connection. I told myself I will do this, slowly…there are better days and worst days.
“What are the moods you feel when you look back then and now?”
I notice that I began to tear. (bodily sensation)
I felt guilt. (emotion, which i had thought i had gotten over, but apparently not)
I also felt distant, disconnected. (thoughts)
And I felt sadness. (emotion)
Guilt meant that there were unmet standards I had. And sadness meant that I was losing something important; where one can grief for the loss or if possible, rebuild the relationship together.
Desensitisation (adapted from Gestalt Theory of Resistance)
Have you tried being more forthcoming with your sister?
Ellery described me as kind of tip-toeing around the issue, that I could be desensitising myself. I didn’t quite understand. But i had a gut feel that this is my blindspot.
He explained his observation: as i shared the issue with my sister, i would say that I have tried talking to her, thought many times it didn’t work, but that at least reduces my guilt. Then I would say that I would do this slowly….
As I reflected, I think I also desensitise myself from issues at work by focusing on the smaller things that would satisfy me; but not the elephant in the room. (ie. talking about it to my boss)
Have you tried having this conversation we just had with your sister?
He’s not the first person to point this out…and i hope he is the last.
A conversation about needs would create the container for the space. My needs - missing requests, remember? To be vulnerable and put myself out there, be forthcoming - that builds connection first. So that it creates the safe space for my sister to show up and share her most vulnerable emotions as well.
So, I will be having this conversation with my sister. I’ll update how it goes!
Some further reflections:
I was not aware that I am desensitising myself - it’s something some of my friends have pointed out, but this was the most apt word to describe it so far. I am now an expert in desensitisation. muahahaha.
I also asked Ellery some questions about coaching - he shared that he usually focuses the conversation on pain (layman terms). He further provides a distinction: Pain is meaningless. Suffering is meaningful. That’s why the root word for passion is, to suffer. If there is no pain, or if the person is unwilling to go deeper into the pain, there’s nothing much to coach. The person needs to be willing to do the work, and the coach will do best to support. Hence, coaching is a really intimate experience.
So I asked, is it the job of the coach to make people feel the pain? He said that’s a pretty crude way of putting it (haha, my inner sadist) and patiently explains that the coach is one who shines a spotlight/provide some awareness of where and what the pain is about. It usually starts off with exploration, then going deeper. In an ideal coaching conversation, the coachee will be doing 90% of the talking - the work! Coaching is about being, and it provides the person to explore a different way of being, and change comes when one translate that to their lives.
How a coach behaves in a coaching session is likely how he/she behaves outside the conversation - the triggers, how to center self after being triggered, and the coach learns a lot through the session as well.
I also asked another question, on how do you ensure that you are “clean”? He was abit bewildered and asked me what I thought haha. I answered coach need coaches too, to shed light on their blindspots. He also meditates using headspace, so that it helps him to slow down and be more aware; and with awareness comes the power of choice.
Acceptance
I choose for this blog space to be one of acceptance. So that I can hold this space for myself, and do it for the same for others.
In brokenness, I am whole. I am whole because these cracks allow the light to flow through. What do these cracks symbolise? It meant that it’s perfectly human to make mistakes. It’s okay to not be okay. There are days where I catch myself with spiralling thoughts of self-doubt, and they seemed so true, and in fact i had believed those thoughts for a really long time it felt like they were a part of me. Sometimes it felt hard to believe not so, because that’s all I could see, right?
I think it’s wonderful to believe that every person in my life right now is here for a reason. I’d like to think that they are here because they can teach me something – patience, loss, love. Acceptance.
What is life, really? I think life is just what we choose to believe about others, and about ourselves? Because i think that really makes all the difference.
Believing is seeing. Choosing to see. Helping people to see something beautiful within themselves that they don’t see. Sometimes we forget our own beauty within and we just need people to remind us. We need to remind each other the beauties of our existence, for none of these paths are “by chance”.
And sometimes I forget that life is my own journey to take. I get caught up comparing my lives with others, creating this dissatisfaction in myself. Then I judge myself for thinking like that. hahaha. quite funny right? I just realised how much energy is spend on beating myself, again. But that’s okay too.
I can choose to laugh at myself too. I can choose look at these memories fondly. And they are very much so. When I stop trying to “fix” things, everything seems like it’s…working? It doesn’t mean that these issues don’t exist, but it means that I allow them to exist instead of changing them. I really think many things in life are beyond our control. By allowing them to exist, I am allowing them to just be. I am allowing myself for a deeper connection…
And perhaps by truly connecting, that’s how things can truly change?
This is a reminder that i’m my own person. And i’m on my own journey. That I have an awesome, supportive group of friends with me, and I’m not alone. It’s also a reminder for me to that i don’t need permission to be myself. And it’s okay to be rejected, because it does not mean I am rejected. Rejections speak more about the other than myself. Understand where that rejection really comes from. Hurt people, hurt people.
My achievements don’t define me, I define my achievements. Achievements are over-glorified huh. I think times worth celebrating are often things that people don’t see. Moments when one chooses to speak out even though you feel heart-pumping sweaty scared. More often than not, we only see the triumphs, and little attention goes behind the struggles behind the triumph – i think that’s something worth truly celebrating.
So if you’re reading this, remember to celebrate these moments 🙂 These are moments, no matter how tiny, are significant steps of you being you. That’s the most wonderful gift to the world and people around you.
Sometimes I forget. That’s why I need to type this while i remember.